Wolfsong Enterprises

Wolfsong Enterprises is Re-Branding!

2009-03-08T22:35:00.001-07:00

For a litany of reasons too numerous (or boring) to go into, Wolfsong Enterprises is re-branding itself as Wolfsong Diner. The new link for my blog is:

http://wolfsongdiner.blogspot.com/

You will still get all the insightful commentary, witty observations, delicious recipes, and humble self assessment that you have come to know and love from Wolfsong Enterprises. However, the new blog surpasses the former in the following ways:

Wolfsong Diner has a way cooler logo.
Wolfsong Diner has a way cooler name.
Wolfsong Diner has an organizing theme that pulls a disparate group of articles into a cogent whole. Or at least tries to.

Wolfsong Enterprises will, of course remain existent for many weeks, but all new content will be placed on the new site.

How Restaurants Can Ride Out the Economic Storm

2009-02-26T21:20:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I took my family out to one of our favorite Indian restaurants for dinner. The waitress, who recognized us immediately, commented on our long absence from her establishment. We explained (somewhat sheepishly, I might add) that we had not been going out for dinner anywhere these past few months. “I understand,” she said. “Very few people do. It’s been hard for us.”

The economic downturn has been especially hard on the restaurant industry. CNBC reported on declining restaurant attendance last December. According to The NPD Group, a leading market research company, the opening of new restaurants was balanced out by the closings, resulting in no growth in total restaurant units in 2008. In 2009, restaurant traffic is predicted to fall by at least 1%, and the casual dining segment could have its worst year in decades.

Dick Williams, culinary advisor and owner of Denver’s high end Buckhorn Exchange Steakhouse, reported that menu prices increased 4.3% in 2008. With food costs expected to increase by 7-9%, either menu prices will rise in 2009, or portion sizes will shrink.

So, what is a restaurateur to do? The answer is obvious. Start offering cooking classes.

Interestingly, cooking classes are doing quite well in this economy precisely because so many people are no longer going to restaurants. Sherry Zylka, associate dean of continuing education and workforce development at Schoolcraft College in Livonia, MI, reported a 20% increase in the number of men taking classes, suggesting that interest in cooking cuts across gender lines.

By offering cooking demonstrations and classes, restaurants can maintain their customer loyalty while continuing to make some money. By offering classes at $15-$25 per class, the restaurant can greatly undercut Williams-Sonoma’s costs for cooking demonstrations. Furthermore, the restaurant does not need to create a new brand identity or reputation for its cooking demonstrations. The quality of its product is known to all of its customers.

Ethnic restaurants in particular could succeed with cooking demonstrations simply because fewer Americans know how to make exotic dishes. A cooking class on making paneer pakora (fried, battered cheese) is much more exciting than a cooking class on, oh, I don't know...breaded cheese sticks.

Unfortunately, I predict that few restaurants will try out this idea simply because of the fear that the classes will cannibalize or neutralize their existing business. While this is certainly a possibility, I personally think that the benefits gained in building customer loyalty outweigh any lost revenue. When times are tough, customers will flock to the restaurants to learn how to make their favorite dishes at home. And when times get better, customers will come back. Yes, even if customers know the "secrets" of cooking, they will still go out to eat at restaurants for two important reasons: 1) most people don’t want to cook if they don't have to, and 2) they know that the restaurant can do it better.

So, there it is: my secret for riding out the economic storm. It is free advice for any restaurateurs who wants to take it. I won’t charge you a penny for the idea.

However, if you want to give me a discounted rate on your palak paneer demonstration, I won’t say no.

Zev Winicur is Now Your Friend

2009-02-21T12:15:00.001-08:00

Well, I finally broke down and did it. After years of avoiding the inevitable, I swallowed my pride, shredded my dignity, sold my soul, and joined the masses.

Yes, last week I set up a Facebook page.

I don't have anything against social networking sites (SNSs). In fact, I've allowed my LinkedIn network to expand slowly and organically over the years. Furthermore, I am an avowed email addict, and the only reason that I don't have Internet access on my cell phone is that I might forget to eat after a while. But Facebook, MySpace, and their ilk all seemed to be different animals. These were the SNSs of the young and hip, or as I like to refer to them, the MOUM (masses of unmotivated morons). MySpace was to real blogs what Tammy Faye Bakker was to...well, Michelle Obama. One was overly decorated, overly self indulgent, and totally lacking in any real content. And the other was Michelle Obama.

Yes, I think I'm going to start referring to Wolfsong Enterprises as the Michelle Obama of blogs. But I digress...

I had reconnected with an old high school friend through his blog (the Janeane Garofalo of blogs), and he destroyed my last bulwark of resistance. He enticed me onto the site with the promise of seeing many an old colleague and friend. Curiosity final won out.

The moment I entered the site, I felt as if I had stumbled upon a trap door to a secret underground world where all of my old acquaintances were hiding. I stepped through the magic door, and suddenly all my old high school buddies, college buddies, grad school buddies, and my rabbi were waving to me from the open bar. "Zev!" they all seemed to shout, "We were wondering when you'd make your way down here. Have a drink!" It was, and still is, a bit unsettling.

Naturally, it wasn't long before I downloaded the most flattering picture I could find of myself (the one from last summer AFTER I lost some weight) as well as a couple pictures of my family. I only downloaded two pictures because my wife values her privacy a whole lot more than I do, and she gets very squirrelly and grumpy when I mention her by name on my blog. So, I am now a lot more careful about what information I share about my wife 'Brunhilda'.

In fact, it was many days before I admitted to my wife Helga that I had set up a Facebook page. She looked at me as if I had reported proudly, "Hey, guess what? I just got a tattoo, earring, ponytail, and a High School Musical lunchbox. Don't I look cool?"

"Isn't that for college students?" she asked. "Well..." I answered...and then I shared with her my first impressions from my week on Facebook. In fact, these are Zev's Quick Observations About Facebook.

#1: FACEBOOK IS WASTED ON THE YOUNG.

According to a 2007 Forrester Research report, 74% of young adults (age 18-21) have a profile on some SNS. Compare that to 53% of teenagers (ages 12-17) and 25% of adults (ages 18+). About 42% of young adults use Facebook compared to only about 8% of adults. Facebook certainly appears to be a young persons toy.

College students primarily use Facebook as a social activity, that is to view and discuss people's profiles. According to a 2007 article in First Monday, for most young adults, Facebook is primarily used as a "friend function," that is "Accepting, adding, browsing through, or reviewing friends; seeing how friends are connected; showing friends other individuals." College students also use Facebook as a virtual directory of contact information for friends they already know.

My theory is that in the next 5 years, the percentage of adult users on Facebook will skyrocket. The reasons are fourfold:

Facebook no longer requires a university email address. Therefore, the doors have been thrown open to EVERYBODY.

All the young adults currently on Facebook will eventually become old adults, and they will take their Facebook accounts with them. Once an email addict, always an email addict. The same goes for SNSs.

Many adults need a networking site that is less stodgy than LinkedIn but less tacky than MySpace. (Take THAT Rupert Murdoch)

Adults have an even greater need than young adults for a networking site that puts us in contact with friends old and new for the simple reason: WE ARE OLDER AND WE KNOW MORE PEOPLE.

Q.E.D. Facebook will soon belong to the 40-year olds. Of course I'll be an old man of 50 when that happens. But I'll be a cool, happenin' 50-year old.

#2: ANONYMITY REQUIRES A CONSCIOUS EFFORT

In the days before the Internet, anonymity was an inevitable and unfortunate result of the lack of a tangible network of local friends and family. Many people asked themselves, "If I died, how many days would it take before people notice?" Maintaining a public identity required constant activation energy.

And then came the Internet and Web 2.0 with email and SNSs. I worried that my father-in-law (i.e. Thelma's father) was headed for near obscurity when he retired and dropped his daily contact with his university crowd. Then he discovered email. Now his social life is richer than my own.

In other words, you have to be constantly vigilant just to stay hidden. It is too easy to create a Google Spoor.

By the way, Google Spoor--the trail of information one leaves on the Internet that is visible through a Google search--is my own term and my own concept. You may use it in your daily discourse. Just remember that you heard it here FIRST.

#3: PRIVACY IS A DELUSION

Identify theft is a real threat in this country as evidenced by the increased number of TV advertisements for free credit report sites. And yet, many SNS users post enough information on their Websites for a moderately talented identity thief to deduce and steal their Social Security Number. In fact, over 80% of Facebook users post their name, birthday, hometown, high school, and email, as well as posting potentially incriminating information about their personality, such as favorites, interests, political views, and relationships. Facebook allows its users to set privacy settings restricting viewer access, and although 84% of users reported that they knew of the privacy settings, only 48% actually made use of the privacy settings. In fact, 54% of Facebook users have added friends that they would not consider friends.

In other words, in this day and age, no one can use the excuse that they did not know they were revealing too much personal information. We all know. We just don't care.

#4: BY CONTROLLING OUR LANGUAGE, SNSs ARE CONTROLLING OUR THOUGHTS

The moment I got on Facebook, the system started telling me who my friends were. "Zev is now friends with Bob." Really? Bob (not his real name) was my college roommate. I've known him since the 8th grade. He was one of my groomsmen at my wedding. And only now he has become my friend? "Zev has become a fan of Tom Lehrer." Hello, I've been listening to Tom Lehrer since I was 12. But only now that I've clicked on a link am I a true fan.

The most insidious aspect of Facebook is the Update Status. Unlike a blog, in which the writer may spend hours wordsmithing his intelligent discourse or arguing a cogent theory (or just sayin' stuff), the Update Status allows us to report our immediate deeds and thoughts. My first Update was, "Zev is typing that Zev is typing." I thought it would implode the system. It didn't. All it did was wait for me to tell the world something else that I was doing. And now, before I go to bed, I have the opportunity to tell my network of 'real' friends that I am going to bed.

Eventually, keyboard interfaces will give way to direct neural taps that allow us to telepathically connect to the Internet. When that happens, we will be able to report to the world everything we are doing and thinking as we are doing and thinking it. And what's to stop the download from going both ways?

"Zev Winicur is feeling Hungry. Zev Winicur has become a fan of Burger King. Zev Winicur is now ordering five BK Veggies. Zev Winicur is now a fan of Pepto-Bismol."

It could happen.

#5 FACEBOOK--LIKE EMAIL, NICOTINE, AND GAMBLING--IS ADDICTIVE

Clinical discussions of Internet addiction go back at least 10 years. Yes, even CBS news reported on the phenomenon last summer.

Let's face it, I'm doomed. I'm becoming a Facebook junkie already, and I've only been on a week. I'm giving up my privacy, my every move is being scrutinized by high school acquaintances, and a computer is telling me who I'm allowed to be friends with. The best that I can hope for is that my father-in-law never discovers this beast. On the other hand, maybe he can become friends with his daughter...Muffy.

Purim Gets a Boost

2009-02-15T22:26:00.000-08:00

Regular readers of my blog know by now that I have made it my mission to champion lesser known...or at least lesser promoted...Jewish holidays. In particular, I have been trying to raise Purim to the exalted status that it truly deserves. So, I applaud Senator Barney Frank for dropping a Purim reference this past Friday at a breakfast with reporters sponsored by the Christian Science Monitor. He commented on the Republican party's attempts to make voters believe that only they love President Obama, while the Democratic congress is steering the president in the wrong direction. He said, "Nancy Pelosi is not Haman, Barack Obama is not King Ahashuerus, and John Boehner is certainly not Queen Esther."

Sen. Frank's comment was certainly apt, but what was more impressive was the cavalier way Frank dropped the seasonal reference (Purim is March 10 this year). He didn't back up and say, "...you know, like in the Bible?" It was the best press Purim has received in recent years since Christopher Guest based "For Your Consideration" around the fictional movie "Home for Purim."

By the way, I still have "For Your Consideration" waiting for me on my DVR. I feel terrible that I missed it the first time around, and I still haven't watched it. I hang my head in shame. What kind of Purim enthusiast am I?

Tu B'Shevat Bars

2009-02-04T20:20:00.000-08:00

Chag Sameach! Happy Tu B'Shevat.

One of my traditions every year for Tu B'Shevat (the new year of the trees) is making Tu B'Shevat Bars. This recipe contains fruits from all three 'species': hard outer shell (orange, nuts), hard inner pit (dates), and entirely edible (carob, raisins, figs). The recipe uses fruits primarily found in Israel.

I do warn you, however...these bars are addictive.

Tu B'Shevat Bars

1 cup raisins
1/2 cup chopped dates
1/2 cup chopped figs
1/3 cup orange juice
zest of 1 orange
2 eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
3/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup honey
1 Tbs. vanilla extract
1/2 cup carob powder
1 1/2 cup all purpose flour
2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1/4 tsp. ground clove
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1 cup chopped nuts (walnuts or pecans)

In a small bowl, combine the raisins, dates, figs, orange juice, and orange zest. Set this aside.

In a large bowl, beat eggs, oil, and sugar on a medium speed with an electric mixer. Add the honey slowly while continuing to beat on a medium speed. Beat in vanilla and carob powder until creamy. Stir in flour, spices, baking soda, baking powder, and salt until well mixed. Stir in nuts and fruit mixture by hand.

Spoon into a well-greased and floured 13 x 9 inch baking pan. Bake at 325 degrees F 30 to 35 degrees or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Let cool completely and cut into bars. Yields about 40 bars.

Note: this recipe contains honey, which means that it will overbake if not watched carefully. Check the bars after 25 minutes, and then check every 4-5 minutes after that.

American Royalty

2009-01-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

At last, America has royalty again.

I watched the inauguration today with absolute fascination. I'm trying not to become an Obama worshipper (as opposed to a simple Obama supporter), but frankly I can't help myself. I am finding myself being pulled into the eddy of the Obama mystique. What is it exactly? Is it the history making event of the first African-American president? Is it the interplay of working class values, progressive idealism, and honest academic credentials? Is it the subtle balance of his cool demeanor with his boundless energy? Is it his focus on intellectualism and science? Is it the stunning beauty and keen intellect of the Obama women?

Incidentally, I am waiting to see which of the Obamas becomes one of People Magazine's 100 Most Beautiful People. My money is on Sasha and Malia sharing a spot.
But to quote the movie Airplane!, "That's not important right now."

How about that inauguration ceremony?

First and foremost, Obama's speech was excellent. It was dire and foreboding, yet still hopeful and empowering. It was everything we wanted to and NEEDED to hear. I think it could be paraphrased thusly:

Thank you. Now we have a lot of work ahead of us because we are up a creek without a paddle. And this situation is not accidental. We got here because nobody stopped the actions of a few greedy, rich elitists. But don't worry. I am going to undo every stupid thing that the Bush administration did. You don't believe me? Watch my dust. And I'll need your help.

Or something like that.

There was a lot to like about the rest of the ceremony. Aretha Franklin proved she is still the Queen of Soul even when singing such patriotic ditties as, "My Country Tis of Thee." And I still have goosebumps from hearing Yitzhak Perlman, Yo Yo Ma, and Anthony McGill (the winner of the Avery Fisher Career Grant) play a beautiful arrangement of Simple Gifts by John Williams. It was as if the inauguration planners started one-upping each other just to see if anyone would rein them in.

"I think we should get Yitzhak Perlman to play. He's good right?"
"OK, if you get Yitzhak Perlman, than I want Yo Yo Ma."
"Cool! How about we also get Anthony McGill? He's good too."
"Yeah! Yeah! McGill...didn't he win some big award? And then they should play something by...uh...Mozart?"
"Naa. Not big enough."
"Uh, Bach? Copeland?"
"No, not contemporary enough. C'mon think big."
"John Williams?"
"Yeah! John Williams! And then we'll get Aretha Franklin to sing something patriotic! Cool!"

Etc., etc., etc.

I liked Rev. Joseph Lowery's benediction, although I did a doubletake when he started to get all 70's on us at the end. When he said, "If you're yellow, be mellow," one of my coworkers, who was born in China, starting singing, "They call me Mellow Yellow."

The only low point to me was Rick Warren's invocation. It could have been a good invocation with an important message on religious and ethnic diversity, but it is cosmically impossible to get an evangelical preacher to give an ecumenical speech without mentioning Jesus. And to think that the central theme of his invocation was inclusivity and tolerance. I love good irony.

I wonder if it was coincidental that the scriptural verse Rick Warren picked to start the invocation was the Sh'ma, the most important Jewish affirmation in the liturgy. ("Here, Oh Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.") I can only hope so. It earns him back some points.

But other than that, the ceremony was flawless...or as close to flawless as an inauguration will ever get.

If y'all will excuse me, I need to go sit down and fan myself.

Who Were You When?

2009-01-11T13:19:00.000-08:00

I never got around to posting a blog last November after the general election. You would think that I would have something to say, anything...but frankly, there was just TOO much to say. I was thinking of simply writing "YAHOOO!" and leaving it at that, but even that seemed too trite.

And then, while I was thinking of pithy comments for my blog, everyone seemed to beat me to the punch. Everyone else commented on how this was a historic occasion, that we never thought we'd see the day, that hope had been restored to our country, that the rule of the conservatives was over, etc., etc., etc.

I thought about writing, "Ditto!" but I think someone else wrote that as well.

And then everyone started talking about where they were when they heard the news. People of all races and genders were out in Harlem and Chicago and many other cities braving the cold to rally support for Obama. Some people were asleep at home, and didn't find out the news until the next morning. Some were sitting shiva, some were shouting "Baruch hashem!". It was a wild night by any accounts.

Shirah and I started whooping it up early in the evening when the Vigo County election returns were reported. As many of you may have heard, Vigo County has voted for the winning presidential candidate in every election since 1960, and it has voted closer to the national margin than any other county. So, we didn't need to wait for John Stewart to call the election. We KNEW that we had won. Way to go, Terre Haute, Indiana!

You don't hear THAT very often. (Forgive me, Shirah.)

What I have not heard much discussion on is the following question: WHO were you when you heard the election results? Frankly, this is a much more telling question. Were you a black woman in her mid 70s who never, ever, ever thought she would see this day in her lifetime? Were you a young high school student (of any race or ethnicity) who just couldn't see why Obama's race should have anything to do with his qualifications? Were you a member of the academic elite who saw Obama as a return to reason and intelligence in this country (finally, finally, finally)? Or were you a member of the affluent elite who saw Obama as a threat to your hard saved, hard earned, or more likely, hard inherited dollar?

Were you a staunch ultra-right conservative who saw Obama as the beginning of the end, the fall of morality as we know it? Or were you a staunch ultra-left liberal who saw Obama as the end of the beginning, marking a return to morality in our country?

Who were you?

I welcome your comments, good, bad, or ugly.

Chag Sameach!

2009-01-02T05:23:00.000-08:00

A belated Chanukah Sameach. And a Happy Gregorian New Year.

War, Inc.

2008-12-06T21:42:00.000-08:00

Shirah and I just watched the movie, War, Inc. tonight. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. It's an intelligent, funny, hard core political satire. No wonder it did so poorly at the box office. It was way too ambitious for American audiences. Luckily, it has made over $1 million in US DVD sales, so hopefully it will find its audience somewhere.

I was reminded of Wag the Dog, a political movie that in fact did very well at the box office. However, Wag the Dog had a couple advantages over War, Inc. First of all, it had the megastar wattage of Dustin Hoffman and Robert De Niro...together. Second, the movie clearly explained what it was trying to do, and it didn't deviate from its central theme throughout the film. Audiences clearly knew what they were watching. It was easy to write the blurb.

War, Inc., on the other hand, is much more frenetic and disjointed. It's primary theme is the outsourcing of wars to private contractors. What would happen, the movie asks, if an ENTIRE war was outsourced to a private contractor? Furthermore, what would happen if a Middle Eastern teenage pop icon found her life controlled not only by the world press but also by a war zone, a patriarchal culture, and her own need for self-actualization? And what would happen if a CIA hitman, who was thrown into the 'Emerald City' in Turaqistan, was trying to carry out a hit while dealing with his own personal demons, self doubt, growing conscience, and distraction by a left-wing reporter (Marisa Tomei, one of my favorite actresses)? And where exactly is the fictional country of Turaqistan? And why does Ben Kingsley have a southern U.S. accent?

See? No wonder American audiences couldn't follow it.

Roger Ebert did not like the movie. Roger Ebert did not understand the movie. Roger Ebert has difficulty with complex plots. Fine. That's his own problem.

Bottom line...War, Inc. is a very funny, very ambitious movie that frankly should have received much more attention. It has a top shelf cast (John Cusack, Joan Cusack, Marisa Tomei, Hilary Duff, Ben Kingsley, and Montel Williams in a surprise role), it has clever writing, it has lots of action and explosions, and it has a sharp political message.

Just don't watch it with Roger Ebert. You might have to explain it to him.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T08:01:00.000-08:00

Egads. Two months have passed without a blog entry. Why is it that good habits, like exercising, eating right, and blogging, are so much harder to get back into once you get out of them? It just isn't fair. I got out of the habit of staying up late and eating too many desserts over the summer, and now I'm right back into them like no time passed.

Speaking of writing, my Yearly T'ruah (our family newsletter) never got written for the High Holidays, so I am going to make sure it gets sent out before Chanukah. We still call the newsletter the Yearly T'ruah, even when it gets sent out during Purim (in March) simply because it reminds me that a) Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are the most important holidays of the year, b) you're late, you idiot, you're late again.

It keeps me humble.

But anyway, we're gearing up now for our Friday Thanksgiving meal. As I mentioned in previous blog entries, my inlaws always have our big meal on Friday so my sister-in-law can have Thanksgiving dinner with HER in-laws on Thursday. It's a simple fix that works for everybody's schedule, and it usually results in having non-traditional meals on Thanksgiving proper. Last night, I made a spinach, tomato, and feta frittata.

Thanksgiving is always a communal affair with my in-laws. No matter who is actually hosting it, the cooking responsibilities are evenly distributed for our Friday meal. This way, no one is stuck with all the cooking duties, and everyone feels a connection to the meal. Furthermore, this way there are more compliments to go around. ("Oh, you liked the salt and pepper? Thank your uncle. He brought them.")

This year, we have a new addition to the family...and therefore, a new guest at the meal. My niece Rowan is 2-months old, which means that she will be the center of attention. Naturally, this means that her sister Dana, who is almost 3, will be forced to dump her plate of food on her head at some point during the meal to regain her rightful place as focal point. This, of course, will result in both of my sons laughing hysterically until one of them starts choking, repositioning one or both of them as the new center of attention. And then Rowan will start crying because there is too much noise. And then we will all have pie.

I wouldn't have it any other way. Happy Thanksgiving.

Chag Sameach!

2008-09-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

Chag Sameach! Lshana tova tikatevu! Have a happy and healthy new year.

Yellow Belt

2008-09-08T18:54:00.001-07:00

It was Friedrich Nietzche who wrote, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I've been repeating that to myself a lot lately. It has become my new mantra. To me, it's much more upbeat than, "This too shall pass."

This past Saturday, I was muttering it over and over again as I tested for my first Krav Maga belt level. This was not the 2-hour "wait for your turn, get up do your thing, go sit down" testing that Omri did when he took Taekwando. No, this was 5 1/2 hours of continuous, strenuous, sweat-pouring, heart-pounding activity. This was hard core. This would have made Nietzche whimper.

But I made it through, and I am feeling pretty proud of myself. As I said previously, sometimes you have to meet 40 head on. Sometimes, you've got to push yourself to the limit, hit the wall, and keep on going.

And once I can get up again, I'll do my victory dance.

YouTube Video of McCain-Palin Love Tryst

2008-09-02T16:13:00.000-07:00

...would be a totally ludicrous headline. But who reads past the headlines anyway? Certainly the mainstream media has done a horrible job presenting a fair and balanced view of the candidates. How many times have the newspapers called McCain a maverick despite the fact that he voted with Bush 95% of the time (FactCheck.org). Or, how about the media replays of Fox News's false claim that Obama is a Muslim (not that there's anything wrong with that...).

So, here is my underground suggestion for the blogosphere. Let's start publishing blog titles that claim ludicrous rumors. We can explain in the blog text that we simply made up a rumor, but as long as we spread the headlines, the supporting text won't matter.

The headlines should be just within believability. "McCain Loses Count of Personal Jets," is a good example. "McCain and Palin Secret Vegetarians" is a little too silly. I mean, what kind of nut job would be a vegetarian?

Getting it Right

2008-08-26T21:23:00.001-07:00

Today I had a rare opportunity. I got to see people get it right. Not just partially right, not just satisfactorily right, not just, "well, that's as much as I would have expected," but unequivocally, amazingly, spot on. Today, I volunteered at the St. Mary's Child Center in Indianapolis.

Deborah Wood Associates, the parent company of my employer CME Enterprise, is working with St. Mary's this year as part of our company's community service project. Once a month, different employees sign up to go volunteer at St. Mary's and work with the children: reading books, playing with the kids, basically doing whatever the teachers need. Today, my department volunteered.

St. Mary's Child Center works with children ages 3 to 5 years old who are, "at great risk for a wide range of social, emotional, economic and environmental problems." This not-for-profit organization provides half-day education and meals for children throughout the Indy metro area. Parents pay whatever they can afford. Some pay as little as $2 per week.

One might expect such a place to operate at the lowest possible standards. it doesn't. It operates at the highest. Following the Reggio Emilia educational philosophy, St. Mary's introduces its kids to art, reading, science, drama, and basically anything else it can use to engage the kids and help them learn. I sat in a classroom with 4 year-olds who were counting numbers and reciting the days of the week in song. The kids were well-behaved, lively, and friendly. The teachers were clearly dedicated to the kids, to the learning philosophy, and to education in general.

As I said, they got it right.

Please check out the St. Mary's Child Center Website, particularly their wishlist page where they list items they need for the school. Also visit the volunteer page to see how your company, or you yourself, can help.

Breaking Away

2008-08-19T16:28:00.000-07:00

The Zev Winicur Monon Milestone Bike Ride this past Saturday was an unqualified success. The weather was absolutely perfect: no rain, just a slight cloud cover, warm enough to convince you that it's still summer, but not hot enough to melt copper. And, yes, I rode the entire 34 miles of the Monon round trip.

Some friends of mine, a family of four, joined me on the bike ride. To keep their identity private, I will only refer to them as the Pitt-Jolies: Brad, Angelina, Vivienne (10), and Marcheline (9).

The Pitt-Jolies are pretty avid bikers despite their protestations that they really hadn't done much biking this summer. Of course, "not doing much biking," did not affect their ability to ride circles around me. I take pride in the fact that I was able to ride further than both the 9-year old AND the 10-year old. The 9-year old only rode 16 miles, and the 10-year old only rode 28 miles total. Hah!

Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Can you bike further than a 5th grader? And are you proud of yourself?

Both Vivienne and Marcheline did AMAZINGLY well, especially considering that when I was 9 years old, I had just removed my training wheels. I think I was able to ride a mile to school and back when I was 10.

I came home after the bike ride and told my kids that I didn't want to hear them complain when I made them walk around the block.

The Age of Ascension

2008-08-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

In the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode, "The Icarus Factor," Lt. Worf is depressed because he has reached the Age of Ascension, and he has no Klingon family to share it with. As it turns out, the standard celebration for the Age of Ascension is to walk through a gauntlet of particularly nasty looking Klingons who stab you repeatedly with pain sticks.

I never understood that episode until today. Today I turned 40. Happy Birthday to me.

Although I do plan to celebrate in style with my family this Sunday, I spent my birthday this evening doing two back-to-back Krav Maga classes. I'm kind of tired now and very sore, but it's a good kind of AAAAGH. I highly recommend facing major birthday milestones by getting your tuchus handed to you. It is very therapeutic.

This Saturday is the Official Zev Winicur Monon Milestone Bike Ride. I will undoubtedly be tired and sore Saturday evening, and my plan to drink multiple beers at the Broad Ripple Brewpub after 30 miles of physical activity is of questionable intelligence. But I'm going to do it anyway. And I'm going to enjoy myself. And Shirah is going to drive me home.

Maybe I won't be celebrating with Klingon pain sticks. It doesn't matter. I've found a way to face 40 with a lion's roar, a pounding of the chest, and a triumphant smile.

Of course this raises the stakes for 50. Maybe I'll go pick a fight with Mike Tyson. Anybody else game?

Happy Birthday, Shirah

2008-07-22T20:10:00.001-07:00

My wife Shirah is five weeks older than I am. That means that any birthday-related "cleverness" I feel obliged to perpetrate on her will come back at me five-fold in five weeks time. This is one of the reasons I am always nice to my wife in July.

I am nice to her for other reasons as well. Not the least of which is that she has put up with me for 16 years. Some would say this entitles her to a purple heart. Others would say that in 4 years she is eligible for parole.

So, to celebrate her 40th birthday (yes, the cat's out of the bag...but you all figured that out when I said she was five weeks older than me...oh, never mind) I threw her a party. She decided that she wanted a fiesta theme, which meant that we had a vegetarian taco bar, enchiladas, tropical fruit salad, guacamole, roasted corn salsa, cayenne pepper picante, horchata to drink, and baklava for dessert.

OK, so maybe baklava isn't exactly fiesta food. OK, so maybe it isn't fiesta food at all. A party is a party, and she knew what she wanted. Besides, I've developed a certain reputation for my baklava. Play to your strengths, I always say.

She insisted on other non-fiesta desserts as well; Hoosier desserts from her youth. So, I made peanut butter squares and chocolate oatmeal bars. Both recipes are good. I mean sinfully good. And there are still leftovers in the refrigerator. This is bad. Very, very bad. If you'll excuse me, I'll be right back...

We tried to make the party as kid-friendly as possible. I mean, c'mon...we had tacos and soda. We rented a room at the Post Road Park Banquet and Meeting Facility, which has a convenient playground right outside the building. So, when the kids got antsy waiting for someone to entertain them, I took them all outside into the 90 degree heat and schvitzed while they ran around the playground. Meanwhile, my wife stayed inside the air-conditioned building and chatted with the adults.

Yes, I love my wife. I just hope this all comes back to me five-fold in five weeks time. I'd even settle for some peanut butter squares.

Saddle Sores

2008-07-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

The Official Zev Winicur Monon Milestone Birthday Ride grows ever closer. Thankfully, I'm getting closer to my 30 mile goal. I biked 25 miles today along the Monon, so with any luck, I should have no problems fulfilling my goal on August 19. Of course, I'm feeling very, VERY sore today.

Again, if anyone wants to join me on my bike run, the invitation still stands. You don't even have to be nearing 40 to join me. You can be a young pup or an old timer. I don't care. You just have to keep up. Or, more importantly, not make me look too bad.

Roasted Sweet Potato Burritos with Homemade Tortillas

2008-07-07T21:26:00.001-07:00

Here is another off-the-cuff recipe that came to me in a moment of inspiration. The homemade tortillas would probably have come out better if I had a tortilladora (tortilla press), but I was able to roll out the tortillas between two sheets of parchment paper nonetheless. As it is, the rough edges of the tortillas give them a more nouvelle cuisine appeal.

SWEET POTATO FILLING
1 large sweet potato
1 16-oz can tomato sauce
1 cup granulated textured vegetable protein (TVP)
1 Tbs ketchup
2 green onions, diced
1/2 green bell pepper, diced
2-3 Tbs canola oil
1 Tbs chili powder
1/4 cup prepared picante (preferably Pace)

Peel the sweet potato and cut it into 1/2 inch-size squares. Coat the sweet potato with 1 Tbs canola oil and place under a broiler for 5-10 minutes, flipping the potatoes every 3-5 minutes until they are tender and browned.

Mix the ketchup with 7/8 cup hot water and add TVP. Mix until TVP is completely rehydrated.

Saute the green onion and bell pepper in 1-2 Tbs oil until lightly browned. Add tomato sauce and stir. Add picante sauce and chili powder and cook sauce for 5 more minutes. Mix in rehydrated TVP and sweet potato.

HOMEMADE TORTILLAS
2 cups masa flour
1 1/4 cups water
1/4 tsp salt

Mix together flour, salt, and water to make a soft dough. Knead dough for about 2 minutes. Divide dough into 16 equal parts. Keep covered with damp cloth to keep dough moist. Line a tortilla press with two sheets of thick plastic wrap. Place each ball between plastic and press until tortilla measures 5 to 6 inches in diameter. Alternatively, you can roll out the ball between two sheets of parchment paper, although this is a lot trickier.

Preheat ungreased skillet. Cook tortillas one at a time for 50 seconds or until just barely brown. Turn, then cook the other side for another 50 seconds. Cover tortillas with cloth napkin to keep soft and warm.

Spoon about 1/4 to 1/2 cup sweet potato filling along a line just off the meridian of the tortilla. Wrap the tortilla around the filling and serve.

Happy Birthday, Micah!

2008-07-02T20:23:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Micah! May you grow older and wiser but never bitter nor jaded. May the world continue to delight and surprise you. May you always see the best in others and help them to see it in themselves.

And may you always be able to charm the socks off of everyone and anyone. It's a valuable skill to have. Don't lose it.

Six years old. Wow. That's six-tenths of a decade. It's like having your very first birthday again...and again and again and again and again. It's old enough to play Laser Tag. I know this because you've reminded me...again and again and again and again.

It amazes me that even as Micah grows older and smarter and more eloquent (using big words like "artificial sweetener" and "inedible"), he never seems to lose that wide-eyed fascination of the world. I pray he never does.

Two weeks ago, Micah and I went to the Bill Monroe Bean Blossom Bluegrass Festival. After spending all Saturday at the festival, we camped overnight in our deluxe-ish Eddie Bauer tent. It was Micah's first time camping. It was a BIG DEAL. He was fascinated by everything: by the informal jam sessions throughout the campground, by the talented players on the stage, by our sleeping bags and inflatable pillows, and by learning to brush his teeth "the camping way" (pouring water from a bottle on the toothbrush, brushing his teeth outside the tent, and spitting on the ground). I got to experience camping all over again through his eyes.

And I could never tell just what would get his attention. There he was in the midst of the music festival, Bluegrass all around him, big bag of kettle corn next to his chair, having watched me erect our tent, having watched our neighbors play mandolin, banjo, bass, and dobro right in front of him...you know, the full experience. He climbed into my lap, gave me a big hug, and peeked over my shoulder at the people behind us. "Cool, Cheez-its!" he said as he spotted the crackers the people behind us were snacking on. He said it the same way I might have said, "Cool, a Lamborghini!"

Naturally, the people behind us offered him Cheez-its. After all, Micah still can charm the socks off of anyone.

Pavlov's Disc

2008-06-20T21:35:00.001-07:00

Do other men have a Pavlovian response to a Frisbee? If you are holding a serious discussion on politics, family, work, entertainment, or world crises, do you suddenly break away the moment someone waves a plastic disc at you and says, "Go long"?

I thought about this yesterday at our departmental team building outing. We had a grand old time on the grounds of the Indianapolis Museum of Art (IMA) discussing each of our five greatest strengths according to the Strengths Finder 2.0 book. We ate box lunches from Panera Bread, engaged in a couple of team building ice breakers, such as the human knot, and then got into a heady discussion about how we can complement our team's strengths and work with the strengths of the other departments in our company.

And then someone pulled out the Frisbee.

All pretense of professionalism was gone. All four men took to the field and tossed the disc back and forth with greater or lesser levels of skill (I was lesser). And all four women stayed behind, conversed, and watched the men. It was as if someone rang the bell and the dogs started salivating.

Luckily, not one of us tried to catch the Frisbee in our teeth. Stimulus-response be damned. Our dental insurance isn't THAT good.

Announcing the Official Zev Winicur Monon Milestone Birthday Ride

2008-05-28T21:17:00.001-07:00

I am so proud of myself. This past weekend, I biked 14 miles up and down the Monon Trail in Indianapolis. Yeah, sure, I know. A third of you are saying, "Only 14 miles? So, what? I eat 14 miles for breakfast." The other third are saying, "Are you NUTS? At YOUR age?" And then there's that third third who are saying, "Nice job! You go, dude! We are SO proud of you!"

The rest of this blog is for this last segment of the population. The rest of you can go eat your 14 mile breakfast someplace else.

Of course, I am feeling it. Oy, am I feeling it. My posterior is, shall we say, rather saddle sore. I was already feeling sore last Wednesday at Krav Maga class when our teachers, in an effort to train us how to do roll falls the correct way, took us outside to practice on the pavement. The good news is that my previous Aikido training from a decade ago kicked in, and my roll falls were flawless. The bad news is that I am nearing 40. Generally speaking, the untrained 40-year old body does not like to do roll falls on the pavement followed by 14 miles of torture to your tush on an uncomfortable bike seat.

Yes, you heard it right folks. I'm nearing the big 4-0, a.k.a. my second 39th birthday. August 13. Mark it on your Outlook calendars now.

About a month ago, some lovely ladies from my high school graduating class sent out an email informing all of their friends that they were celebrating turning 40 by participating in a 100 mile bike ride in California to raise money for some disease state or another...diabetes or breast cancer or coronary disease. I honestly can't remember. That's not the point. The point is that these ladies are meeting their midlife by pushing their bodies to the limit. They are embracing their age with a show of strength and endurance. They are telling the world that they are still fit, fetching, and fabulous. They are making me look really, really, really bad.

Even if I wanted to join them in California, there is no way I could whip my body back into shape for a 100 mile ride by August 13. Sure, I've lost 15 lbs. in the past three months. Sure, I've built up some muscle by going to Krav Maga twice a week. Sure, I regularly exercise my stomach muscles by lying on the floor and letting my children jump on me. But 100 miles? Nobody eats 100 miles for breakfast.

I figure that the best I can do is 30 miles. That's twice the length of the Monon Trail in Indianapolis and Carmel. I think that with some practice runs and a more comfortable bike seat, I can easily tackle the Monon. In fact, I'm setting Saturday, August 16, as the official day for the official Zev Winicur Monon Milestone Birthday Ride.

You are all invited to join me, of course. In fact, I would love the company. Nothing provides incentive for a massive physical endeavor than someone else alongside you preventing you from wussing out. I plan to start at the Frank and Judy O'Bannon Old Northside Soccer Park at 9:00am at 16th Street and Lewis Street, bike south for 0.25 miles to the start of the Monon Trail, bike north for 15 miles until we hit 146th Street, bike back down south to our waiting vehicles, and then drink two entire canteens of water. If you come, bring your own water and sunblock. And bike. And cushy bikeseat.

Afterwards, we can all go out for beer at some nice local establishment, such as the Broad Ripple Brewpub. The first round is on me, but only if you all agree to order a GOOD beer. I'm not about to pay for your Bud or Miller Lite. I'm not going to have you embarrassing me. This is serious business, and life is way too short to drink that swill. Besides, let's face it...I'm not getting any younger.

My apologies

2008-05-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

My mother was very surprised to see the picture on my last blog entry. She is waiting for me to post enough articles to send the image downward.

My wife, on the other hand, had no problem with the picture. Rather, she chastised me for the many punctuation errors that appeared in my blog entries. She realizes that I tend to write late at night (when I am at my sleepiest), and she has begged me to have her proofread my articles before I publish them. I am not sure just how that will work. "Shirah. Shirah. Shirah, wake up. I need you to proofread my diatribe against Bush's tax policy." Yeah, like that's going to happen.

Since I have offended both my mother and my wife, It is likely that I have offended many of you as well, either with my imagery or with my grammar. I apologize profusely. In the future, I vow to pay better attention to my apostrophes. And I'll try to limit the pictures of scantily clad women to one or two per month.

Its the least I can do.

Um...I mean it's the least I can do.

Succubus On Top

2008-05-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm a successful professional in the continuing medical education industry, I feel that I need to convey a sense of professionalism both in the office and on the road. So, on my flight home from the MedBiquitous conference last weekend (an organization that promotes technical standards for medical education), I should have been reading the latest issue of the Journal of Continuing Education in the Health Professions or perhaps some photocopyied journal articles about clinical guidelines for antiplatelet therapy. You know, something that would have said, "Wow! That man is truly a professional. I'll sit next to him so that some of his professionalism will rub off on me."

Instead, I was burning my way through a paperback sporting the less than family-oriented image pictured above. I was doing my best to hide the cover on my lap so that parents wouldn't pull their children away from me. Unfortunately, my perpetual smile and constant snickering probably wasn't doing anything to label me as "sane" or "safe."

This is what happens when you read Richelle Mead's books. They are definitely for those of us who felt a deep void in our lives when the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer went off the air.

Succubus Blues and the sequel Succubus on Top are urban fantasy novels that tell the story of Georgina Kincaid, a succubus living in modern society. At night she goes out tempting men into sexual relations so that she can suck some of their life force out of them and send them on the road to eternal damnation. During the day she works at a local bookstore and organizes the booksignings. Naturally, her profession as a succubus messes with her desire to have anything resembling a normal life. She wants to develop a long term relationship with one of her favorite authors, but this is complicated by the need for absolute celibacy...you know, so she doesn't drain away his life force. Wacky highjinks ensue.

The books are wildly entertaining. They are not what I would call high literature, but Mead is very good at creating quirky characters, snappy dialog, and interesting explorations of religious and fantasy mythology. One of my favorite characters is her boss, Jerome, a demon who's immense power is balanced by his strange decision to take on the appearance of John Cusack. You get the idea.

The third book in the series, Succubus Dreams, is coming out in October. With any luck, it will coincide with another conference. I can already feel the airline passengers edging away from me.

Happy Birthday Israel!

2008-05-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

A belated Happy Birthday to the State of Israel. 60 years old. Amazing. So young!

May you live to 120...and beyond.

Does Hillary Truly Support Israel?

2008-05-06T21:53:00.000-07:00

Here's an interesting conundrum. The United Methodist Church has for the last couple of months been debating a resolution calling for divestment from any company that does business with Israel, such as Caterpillar, the tractor manufacturer, "because the company supplies Israel with bulldozers used in building the separation barrier and in demolishing Palestinian homes. The divestment resolution comes only months after the publication of a church-sponsored report referring to the creation of the State of Israel as the 'original sin.'"

As of today, the United Methodist Church rejected five proposed resolutions urging divestment from companies doing business with Israel. This seems to be largely due to many Jewish groups who worked feverishly with the Methodist Church to convince them to defeat the resolutions.

In this "guilt by association" atmosphere, shouldn't Hillary Clinton have been questioned about her supposed support for Israel? She is a lifelong Methodist, yet I don't remember hearing her speak out against the church resolution. Obama was literally raked across the coals for his relationship with Jeremiah Wright, yet Hillary is being given a free pass. Surely, one could/should argue that if she has been associated with the church for most of her life, it suggests that she supports the church doctrine.

It's not that I believe that Hillary is at all anti-Israel, but NEITHER IS OBAMA. It's a simple matter of double standards. Either you judge the candidates on their associates or you judge them on their own merit, actions, and words. But you judge them both EQUALLY.

Besides, if we're talking about guilt by association, we can have a field day with McCain and John Hagee.

Fulfilling My Talmudic Duty

2008-04-30T21:53:00.001-07:00

The Talmud has this to say about a father's obligations towards his son:

"A father is obligated to do the following for his son: to circumcise him, to redeem him if he is a first born, to teach him Torah, to find him a wife, and to teach him a trade. Others say: teaching him how to swim as well." (Kiddushin 29a)

In other words, a father is duty bound to prepare his son to face the world. Most halachic (Jewish law) authorities state that if a father can not provide any of the above services for his son, he must hire a person who can.

This is a good thing since my circumcision skills are a bit rusty. As I go through the checklist, I can see what I've taken care of and what I have yet to do for both of my sons:

Circumcision - check

Redemption of the first born - check (we donated to the state of Israel instead of to a Kohen, but I count this as completed)

Teaching them Torah - check. In fact, I wrote a rather large check to the Hebrew School.

Teaching them to swim - check

As a matter of fact, I got to watch both Omri and Micah at their swimming class today. Shirah usually takes them since I often work until 6pm. Today I made a point of getting home in time for their class. "You've got to see how much they've progressed," Shirah told me.

She was right. Considering that both of them were starting from pretty much nothing this January, it was wonderful to see them gliding through the water, floating on their backs, and completely submerging themselves for as long as their breath held out. It's like a light went on in their brains, and they suddenly realized just how much fun swimming truly can be. For me this is wonderful, not just because I feel like I'm fulfilling my Talmudic duty, but because I love to swim and I want to pass on this affinity to my children. Maybe they'll grow up and live somewhere on a coast. And swim. And go SCUBA diving. And go boating. And invite me on their boat.

I know, I know...one thing at a time. First I need to teach them a trade and find them wives. Maybe I'll hunt for the wives myself instead of hiring a shadchan (matchmaker). I'm up for the challenge. If anyone is interested in setting up a shidduch (match), give me a call. My son's don't have trades yet, but at least they can swim. And they are learning Torah. Oh, and Omri can stick his foot behind his head.

Maybe I better hire a shadchan after all.

Peanut Butter Matzah Crunch

2008-04-24T21:22:00.000-07:00

Well, we're rounding the curve on Pesach. Tonight was the sixth night. This means that we've used up the last of the Streitz's Passover coffee cakes and my family is clamoring for something new for breakfast. Even if we had another coffee cake, I don't think anyone could stomach another piece of almost-streusel topping.

My trick with the kosher for Passover coffee cakes is to mix a banana into the batter. This makes the coffee cake extra moist and it adds some nutritional value to...well...a breakfast of non-vitamin enriched simple carbs. But, now what do I do?

I came up with a new recipe tonight. I like it, but I'll test it on the kids in the morning. I call it Peanut Butter Matzah Crunch because that's about as descriptive a name as I can come up with. It can serve as breakfast or late-day snack. And frankly, it's no worse for you than the coffee cakes. It's got peanut butter and honey. What could be bad? I thought about adding flax seeds to the recipe, but I figured I'd give my family a break.

The nice thing about this recipe is that as it cools, the caramelized honey coating makes the matzah crispy. I haven't tested the recipe with milk, however, to see if the coating keeps the matzah crispy when wet.

"Crispy when wet" is not a phrase I ever thought I'd use on a blog. But I digress...

PEANUT BUTTER MATZAH CRUNCH

3 cups matzah farfel
2 Tbs. canola oil (or other pesadic cooking oil)
2 Tbs. peanut butter
1/3 cup honey
1/4 tsp. salt
2 tsp. cocoa powder

Pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees F. In a 2-quart saucepan combine oil, honey, peanut butter, and salt. Simmer, stirring constantly. Remove from heat and add to the farfel. Stir until the farfel is coated evenly. Spread onto a non-stick cookie sheet. Bake for 10-12 minutes, stirring frequently (every 3-4 minutes) to prevent burning. Remove and cool. Break up any large chunks with a spatula. Store in an air-tight container.

Happy Passover

2008-04-20T21:55:00.001-07:00

Chag Sameach, everyone. Happy Holidays.

We had our second night seder tonight. It was a small, short affair with just the immediate family...plus about five stuffed animal and dolls that my sons set up on the other end of the table with a children's Haggadah propped on one of the doll's laps. Just a typical dinner in our house.

We went to a family friend's house for the first night seder up in South Bend. We haven't seen most of them since last year at Pesach, so it was great to see them all again. Of course, by the end of the seder, we're all getting punchy. After the seder meal as we were nearing the hallel (songs of praise near the end of the seder), after everyone was questioning whether they should have had that last macaroon or piece of chocolate torte, as everyone was calculating the number of pages left in the Haggadah, I said...just loudly enough for my side of the table to hear... "if you roll doubles three times, you have to go back to page 26." Everyone thought it was pretty funny. Or maybe it was the fourth cup of wine kicking in.

Micah sang the Four Questions this year and did an outstanding bang-up job. I was so proud. Older brother Omri had to do them for a couple of years before Micah was old enough, and I'm sure he's happy to pass on the torch. Of course, my friend Rafi, who is about seven years my junior, had to say the Four Questions for 26 years straight until Omri finally took it over from him. I remember when Omri first recited the Four Questions at the seder. Everybody was very impressed. Rafi was ecstatic.

Yes, Pesach is a time to be thankful. I'm mostly thankful that my weigh-in day for the Biggest Loser contest was one day BEFORE the first night of Pesach. This is definitely NOT the holiday to try to lose weight. I think Jews are single-handedly supporting the egg industry this week. I love reading recipes for Pesadic (kosher for Passover) sponge cakes that start with 9 eggs. Yeaaaahhh! Now, that's a celebration!

It might be time to get my cholesterol level checked soon. But not for another week. And then it's back to eating water.

Just a Random Thought...

2008-04-17T09:06:00.001-07:00

Too often we measure ourselves against young people and their accomplishments. For example, when faced with a 13-year old who owns his own business, we not only comment on the talent of the kid, but we also consider our own shortcomings. While this kid was becoming an entrepreneur, I was struggling to learn my Torah portion for my bar mitzvah. Etc.

But why do we not compare ourselves to people at the other end of the age spectrum as well? When I am 81 years old, what will I be doing?

Speaking of which, Pope Benedict XVI just turned 81 last week. Mazel tov to him. Benedict became pope in April 2005 at the age of 78. That means that being pope is his retirement job.

Wow. Beats being a Walmart greeter.

Veggie Breadsticks

2008-04-09T21:47:00.001-07:00

I get tired of listening to my children negotiate, stall, or whine whenever their dinner consists of one or more vegetables not on their favorites list. You'd think I was raising a family of carnivores (and not vegetarians) the way they pick at their peas. So, I am happy to report that I have found a new way to disguise...uh, I mean incorporate...vegetables in a "snack food." I present to you my recipe for veggie breadsticks.

The great thing about this recipe is that it can be made with any vegetables on hand. I would also recommend substituting tomato paste for some of the liquid. But please do add the ground flax seed. What better way is there to get your omega 3 fatty acids, not to mention fiber, manganese, magnesium, and folate?

And by the way, Micah ate three of them tonight. On his own. Without negotiating, stalling, or whining.

VEGGIE BREADSTICKS

1 package active dry yeast

1/2 cup warm water

2 1/2 cups unbleached white flour

2 Tbs. olive oil

1/2 tsp. salt

1 small carrot

1/2 cup packed volume of frozen spinach (thawed and water squeezed out)

1/4 tsp. oregano

1/4 tsp. basil

2 Tbs. ground flax seed

garlic salt

Grind the spinach, carrot, and spices in a food processor until they form a thick paste. In a large bowl, combine the veggies, yeast, warm water, and 1 1/2 cups of the flour. Mix well to blend. Add oil, salt, and remaining flour and stir until the dough sticks together.

Place the dough on a lightly floured surface. Dust your hands with flour and knead the dough until it is smooth and elastic, about five minutes. If the dough gets sticky, sprinkle it with a little flour. If the dough gets too dry, sprinkle water 1 tsp. at a time and knead in.

Roll the dough in a ball and place it in a lightly oiled bowl. Cover the bowl with a dishtowel and set in a warm but not hot place to rise until doubled in volume, 30 minutes to an hour. Preheat the oven to 450 deg. F.

Sprinkle a baking sheet with cornmeal. When the dough has risen, punch it down, knead it a couple more times, and roll it out with a rolling pin onto a baking sheet until it forms a large rectangle about 1/2 inch thick. Allow the dough to rest for 20 minutes.

Using a knife or other sharp edge, cut the dough into strips 1 inch wide by pressing straight down on the dough with the edge. Spray the breadsticks lightly with cooking spray and sprinkle them with garlic salt. Bake in the center of the oven for about 10 minutes.

The recipe makes 8-10 breadsticks.

The Purim Fool

2008-03-23T22:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's me...dressed as a hamantaschen. I made the costume the night before Purim. Technically, I made it the morning of Purim, which kind of shows. But for a costume conceived, designed, and constructed between 11:30pm and 2 am, it's pretty good.

I wore it to Purim services Thursday night, and then I wore it again at the Purim carnival today. It's all about putting your money where your mouth is. It's one thing to espouse the joys of Jewish ritual to your own children and to the kindergarten kids you are teaching at religious school, but until they see their supposedly respectable grown-up teacher walking around dressed like a big folded cookie, it's all academic. My goal is to teach them...and their parents...and everyone else at our synagogue...that Purim is not just a pediatric holiday. It's for everyone. Even respectable teachers like myself.

I got a lot of praise for the costume from my friends at synagogue. But mostly I got a lot of grief from people who watched me try to sit down in the pews in the costume. Let's just say that it did not work. I ended up standing for the entire service.

Speaking of making a fool of himself, Senator John McCain was in the news recently. Poor McCain. He was just trying to show support for Israel in a press conference with Ehud Barak by commenting on the impact of the rocket fire on the children in the area. He said, "As they celebrate their version of Halloween here, they are somewhere close to a 15-second warning, which is the amount of time they have from the time the rocket is launched to get to safety."

Yep, that's right folks. Purim is our "version of Halloween." The entire Book of Esther and centuries of ritual have been reduced to a second-rate version of All Hallow's Eve.

Sen. Joe Lieberman, who was traveling with McCain, had to quickly correct McCain and explain to him the significance of the holiday. Lieberman took responsibility for the gaffe, saying that he had compared the holidays to McCain earlier.

I realize what happened, of course. On the flight over to Israel, Lieberman was probably trying to prep McCain for the pending news conference.

Lieberman: "...Oh, and John, you should probably mention something about Purim. It'll improve your street cred with the Israelis."
McCain: "Purim? What's that?"
Lieberman: "It's a Jewish holiday that starts Thursday night. I guess you could think of it as a Jewish version of Halloween. On Purim, we read the Book of Esther from the Bible. We celebrate how brave Queen Esther saved the Jewish people from Haman, the prime minister of Persia. See, he hated the Jews and wanted to kill them all...kind of like Al Qaeda in Iraq. It's a fun, joyous holiday celebrated by dressing in costumes, eating special cookies called hamantaschen, and making noise whenever anyone mentions Haman's name."
McCain: "...wait, I'm writing this down (mumbling) Jewish...version...of...Halloween. Got it. Thanks, Joe."

I could just hear Lieberman thinking to himself later, "Thank God I didn't mention the part where we get drunk."

Mango Hamantaschen

2008-03-21T05:54:00.000-07:00

Chag Sameach! Happy Purim!

I'm participating in a Biggest Loser contest at work (losing weight, of course), and our weigh-in day is Friday morning. Let me tell you, it's just not fair having Purim the night before a weigh-in day. But I was good. I had only two hamantaschen all day and I didn't inbibe in any alcohol.

But I've weighed in now...and the weekend starts tonight...so I'm extending my Purim celebration until Saturday night. I'm sure there must be a responsa out there for extending Purim through the weekend if it comes mid-week before a weigh-in day. There must be. I'm seeing single malt scotch in my future.

Last weekend I catered a lunch at our synagogue. It was a "fiesta" theme, which basically meant Latin American food from Mexico and Venezuela. As part of the dessert, I baked two kinds of tropical, parve hamantaschen: mango and pineapple. The pineapple filling was simply pineapple preserves from a jar, but the mango filling was rather inspired. The recipe is below:

Mango Hamantaschen

2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/4 tsp baking powder
1 eggs, beaten
2 Tbs orange juice
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
½ cup butter
Mango filling

Mango filling:
3 ripe mangoes (each about 3/4 pound)
1 Tbs fresh lime juice
2 Tbs sugar
1 tsp corn starch mixed with 2 tsp water

Peel and cut flesh from mangoes, discarding pits. In a blender or food processor purée mango with the lime juice and 2 Tbs sugar until smooth. Heat sauce over a low to medium flame, stirring constantly. Add the corn starch and cook until it thickens to your desired consistency. This recipe makes a lot of filling, but you can always freeze the extra.

Sift or mix well the dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl.
In a separate bowl, mix together eggs, margarine, juice, and vanilla extract.
Add the egg mixture to the dry ingredients and mix together. If the dough is too sticky, add a little more flour and cover.
Refrigerate for a few hours or overnight.
Roll out dough to 1/8 inch thickness. Cut into circles with a 2 ½-inch round cookie cutter.
Put ¾ tsp of filling in the center of the circle. Shape into triangles using a standard hamantaschen fold.
Preheat oven to 325ºF. Bake on a parchment-lined cookie sheet for 10 to 12 minutes, until edges are golden brown. Cook on a rack.

What Am I Missing Here?

2008-03-04T18:01:00.001-08:00

Just a thought...

Why is it that the general public has bought into the rhetoric that Clinton is the more "experienced" candidate of the Democratic presidential primary? Why will no one stand up and say, "The Emperor Has No Clothes!" or "That Dog Don't Hunt" or whatever catchy phrase we use to question the common knowledge? Barack Obama actually has MORE experience as an elected official than Hillary Clinton does. Obama served in the Illinois Senate from 1997 to 2004 and then in the U.S. Senate from 2004 to present. Hillary served in the U.S. Senate from 2000 to present. That (as far as I can see) is her ONLY experience in elected office. Her time as First Lady DOES NOT COUNT as elected office experience.

Therefore, it is Obama that has more experience overall. True, Clinton has more experience in national politics than he does...but only by four years. I'm not sure four more years of experience is enough to qualify her as the "experienced" candidate.

That dog don't hunt.

The Best Jewish Holiday You Never Heard Of

2008-03-02T20:05:00.000-08:00

Now that we are many weeks past the hoopla of St. Valentines Day, I have a confession to make. I don't particularly like this holiday. Don't get me wrong, I LIKE the idea of a holiday that celebrates love and friendship. I LIKE placing a dot on the calendar to remind you to appreciate what and who you have. And I can pretty much put up with the crass commercialism and institutionalized guilt inherent in the season ("If you truly loved your wife, you'd forget about retirement, take out a loan, and buy her a diamond.").

No, I have other issues.

First of all, my tolerance for pink is pretty low.

Second of all, a holiday that once focused on love and relationships, has become an excuse to force kids to send each other cards with Charms Blowpops or Pixie Stix attached. What truly is the purpose of this?

And third of all, this is, and should be, a Catholic holiday. The history of the holiday is lengthy and fascinating, and the well-known legend of the St. Valentine who left the famous missive, "from your Valentine," before being executed by the Roman Emperor Claudius II, adds a certain amount of color to a holiday now known for hearts, flowers, and chocolate.

So, why is it that so many Jews also celebrate this holiday? Does this holiday fill a void not addressed by our own celebrations? Do we yearn for our own day of love? Is there NO holiday in the Jewish calendar that could be called the Jewish Valentine's Day?

It turns out that there is such a holiday. It's called Tu B'Av (15th of the Month of Av). How is it, that such a wonderful holiday could all but disappear from our calendar? Why did no one tell me about this? In Israel, the holiday has been getting a commercial rebirth. But outside of Israel...bupkes.

Tu B'Av comes in the middle of the summer, and in 2008, it will come on Saturday, August 16 (starting the evening before on Friday). Tu B'Av is known as the happiest day of the year. Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel is quoted in the Mishnah as saying, "There were no better (i.e. happier) days for the people of Israel than the Fifteenth of Av and Yom Kippur, since on these days the daughters of Israel/Jerusalem go out dressed in white and dance in the vineyards. What were they saying: Young man, consider whom you choose (to be your wife)…"( Taanit, Chapter 4).

You heard me right. Tu B'Av has all the power of Yom Kippur, but instead of not eating all day, you wear a white dress and go dancing. Wow.

Basically, six days after Tisha B'Av, the Jewish celebration of everything-going-wrong-all-in-one-day, we get Tu B'Av, a holiday that actually celebrates a bunch of GOOD things. For example:

When the Israelites wandered in the desert for forty years, female orphans without brothers could only marry within their tribe, to prevent their father's inherited land from passing to other tribes. However on Tu B'Av, they could marry whomever they wanted. And many went for the studs from the tribe of Naphtali.
The Tribe of Benjamin was allowed to intermarry with the other tribes on Tu B'Av, which generally wasn't done because of nasty civil war between the tribes.

Tu B'Av signifies the ATONEMENT for the sin of the Spies...you know, that horrible sin responsible for the 40 years of wandering in the desert. Ten advance scouts came back bearing such negative reports that it reduced the entire nation to mass panic. As a result of the sin of Not Showing Good Decorum, it was decreed by God that the nation would remain in the desert for 40 years, and that no person 20 or older would be allowed to enter Israel. On Tu B'Av, we celebrate the commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Trust Anyone Over 20."

It goes on like that. On Tu B'Av, by the glow of a full summer moon, young women, robed in white, would go out and dance in the fields outside the walls of Jerusalem. The men would follow in the hopes of finding a bride. Holidays just don't come any better than that. I couldn't MAKE UP a holiday this classy.

So, why did it disappear outside of Israel? I don't know, and I don't care. All that matters is that we bring it back. Now. With a vengeance.

Gentleman...it's up to us. This August 16th, treat your bashert with chocolate and flowers and buy her a nice white dress (although you might want to wait on the chocolate if she's wearing the white dress). Do it up right. We don't NEED Valentine's Day. We've got our OWN day.

To get the holiday started off properly, you can make her Dark Chocolate Raspberry Scones. Trust me, nothing says romance like chocolate AND raspberries. If you bring her breakfast in bed with these scones, you are pretty well golden for the rest of the season.

Here's the recipe:

Dark Chocolate Raspberry Scones

2 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 cup firmly packed light brown sugar

1/3 cup cocoa powder

2 tsp. baking powder

1/4 tsp. salt

6 Tbs. unsalted butter, chilled

1/2 cup milk

1 large egg

1 tsp. vanilla extract

3 oz. semisweet baking chocolate

1/2 cup frozen raspberriess

Preheat oven to 375 F. Lightly grease a baking sheet.

In a larger bowl, stir together the flour, brown sugar, cocoa, baking powder, and salt. Cut the butter into 1/2 inch cubes and distribute them over the flour mixture. Using a pastry blender, cut in the butter until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. In a separate bowl, stir together the milk, egg, and vanilla. Add the milk mixture to the flour mixture and stir to combine. Chop the baking chocolate into small chunks, and stir into the dough. In a blender or food processor, chop up the still-frozen raspberries and fold them into the dough.

Using a 1/3 cup measuring cup, drop the dough onto the prepared baking sheet leaving about 2-3 inches between scones. Bake for 16 to 18 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.

Hit By a Bus

2008-02-25T19:23:00.000-08:00

I stayed home from work today, and I most likely will be home on Tuesday. Seems that the virus playing ping-pong between my family members finally hit me in the head. I kind of feel like I was hit by a bus.

Which makes me wonder about that expression. I've been in many business continuity meetings where we have discussed the transfer of work in the case that a crucial member of the team is not available. We ALWAYS discuss this as, "What should we do if you were hit by a bus?"

Is there a psychotic bus driver somewhere out there taking out crucial members of project teams? Does he or she have a master list of critical project personnel?

"Oh, there is Drake. His job is redundant. He can live. But wait...there's Dan! He's the only person on the team who knows SPSS. He's mine!" SWERRRRRVVVE!

Who is this madman, and can he be stopped? What does she have against project-oriented business? It sounds like something straight out of Dilbert. Which means, if it turns up on Dilbert, remember you saw it here first.

The Mistress of Spices

2008-02-18T22:01:00.000-08:00

I have to admit that I’m a pretty big Aishwarya Rai fan. I think she is a fine actress and an excellent dancer. Okay, fine. I also agree with Roger Ebert who commented that the former Miss World is, “not only the first but also the second most beautiful woman in the world.” She makes bad Bollywood movies bearable and good Bollywood movies that much better. She walks onto the screen, and even my wife stops staring at Sharuch Khan, if only for a minute, to watch her. When Harpers and Queen back in 2005 dropped her from “most beautiful woman in the world” to ninth place directly after Kate Moss, I was convinced it was proof that the last vestiges of sanity had finally been ripped away from global civilization. This is all a very long-winded way of saying that Aishwarya has my complete and total attention in any movie that she stars in.

So, I was very surprised last weekend when I watched her 2005 movie “The Mistress of Spices” and found that I was watching the spices nearly as much as I was watching her. In fact, I would argue that the spices were a distinct character in the film: a sexy, sensual, and utterly fascinating character.

The movie is a romantic drama based on the novel by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni. It stars Aishwarya Rai Bachchan (sorry, guys, she’s married), Dylan McDermott, and a shop full of exotic spices. Aishwarya plays Tilo, an Indian woman who was blessed as a child with a sort of second-sight future-telling ESP vibe. When bandits looking to use her gifts for their own ill-gotten gains kill her parents and kidnap her, she escapes and ends up on a shoreline where an old woman is teaching young women to be “mistresses of spices.” In this religious order/coven/cult, the women learn the secrets of spices, where the spices come from, how they are grown, and how they are used to heal and influence people. I could go on for paragraphs on this back story, not because it took up much time in the film, but because I found the whole concept fascinating. Spices are not just culinary, but also medical, botanical, and most definitely magical.

As a grown woman, Tilo is sent to San Francisco to runs a spice shop called the Spice Bazaar. As a mistress of spices, her mission is to help her clients accomplish their desires with the spices. However, there are rules. She must never use the spices to accomplish her own desires, she must never leave the store, and she must never touch another person’s skin. Her eclectic customers include a grandfather (played by Anupam Kher being as grandfatherly as always) trying to come to terms with his decidedly NON-traditional granddaughter, an Indian-Muslim taxi driver trying to better his socio-economic status, and a handsome Nigerian man who is learning exotic Indian cooking to impress his girlfriend. All is good until a brooding American architect ends up in her shop after a motorcycle accident (Dylan McDermott at his most McDermottish), and she suddenly has the urge to break all three rules at once. As she ends up breaking each rule (no touching, no leaving, no personal fun with the spices), the luck of her patrons starts to change for the worse, and she faces the horrible possibility of losing her intimacy with the spices forever.

That’s all I’m going to tell you of the plot. It’s a romantic drama, not a romantic tragedy, so you know that somehow the guy and girl are going to get together at the end. However, like every good amusement park ride, the fun is not in the destination but in the journey.

And then there are the spices. Ah, yes, the spices. Director Paul Mayeda Berges uses them to amazing effect. The spices are at once exciting, erotic, and sensual. As the camera pans through the shop, you can smell each spice. As Tilo chops the red chilis, you can feel your eyes water. As she crushes the cardamom, you can feel the warmth on your skin. And when she lets the sesame seeds cascade over her hand...well, OK, I was watching Aishwarya once again.

The Mistress of Spices is not a fast-paced film. There are no explosions, no Bollywood dance numbers, and very little comedic banter. However, the movie is a feast for the senses both visually and emotionally. Like any good feast, the movie must be savored slowly.

And now, I have an incredible craving for palak paneer.

Roy Scheider (1932-2008) o.b.m.

2008-02-14T20:43:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, Roy Scheider died at the age of 75 after battling multiple myeloma for several years. Since I have long been a fan of Scheider's work, and I have a very personal interest in multiple myeloma treatment, I took more than a passing interest in his obituaries.

Most of the articles cited his role in Jaws as the police chief with the immortal line, "You're gonna need a bigger boat." Fewer remember his wonderful role as a pill-popping, Bob Fosse-type choreographer in "All That Jazz." To me, "All That Jazz" was his greatest work, partly because of his quotable line, "Showtime!" but mostly because throughout the entire picture, you completely forget that the choreographer NEVER DANCES. Only a true actor can pull off a mind trick like that.

I was a big fan of SeaQuest DSV, at least I was during its first season before it got...well...bad. Scheider lent an air of respectability to the show and raised it from an uninspiring sci-fi knock-off, to a fun, fascinating, scientific, and almost complex show. When the producers started to mess with the quality and format of the show, Scheider had the good sense to leave.

I never saw his stagework, which (from what I have read) was superb. In the 80's, he costarred with Raul Julia and Blythe Danner in one of my favorite plays, Betrayal by Harold Pinter. I really, really, really hope that someone filmed his performance, and that a bootleg copy is floating around eBay somewhere. Julia, Danner, and Scheider on the stage together...it just doesn't get any better than that.

I will miss Scheider's many flawed yet extremely likeable characters. Luckily, NetFlix carries most of his works. So, if you'll excuse me, I've got some movies to add to my queue.

Note: According to his fansite, in lieu of flowers, the family requested memorial donations to the Myeloma Institute of Research and Therapy at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences.

Two Interesting Articles That Just Came Through My Email

2008-02-14T20:19:00.000-08:00

My friend Kelly Coleman spends much of his time scanning the blogosphere daily (hourly?) and forwarding to his friends and colleagues those articles and blogs that he finds the most interesting. That the articles are all progressive in nature is totally coincidental...as is the fact that his mailing list is called the DFL Newsgroup. (For those of you outside of Minnesota, that stands for "Democratic-Farm-Labor"...but I digress...)

Today he forwarded two very interesting articles that I feel are worth passing along.

The first is an article by Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York in the Washington Post.
Predatory Lenders' Partner in Crime
For those of you (like me, I fear) who don't fully understand how the subprime lending crisis happened, he explains that the attorneys general from all 50 states tried to fight the predatory lending practices, and were completely stymied by the Bush administration. It's an interesting article from a well-respected governor.

The second article comes from P.M. Carpenter's blog.
For McCain, From Bad Dreams to Nightmares -- Courtesy Barack Obama
I like Carpenter's writings, but this article seemed to stand out above his other commentaries. He explains how McCain and the Republicans are now complaining that Obama is only mouthing platitudes...when that's EXACTLY what the Republican party has been doing for the last 60 years. It's a classic case of (and do forgive me for saying this) the pot calling the kettle black.

Talmudic Toddler

2008-02-11T17:14:00.000-08:00

My wife Shirah reminded me this evening of an incident that happened nine years ago, when Omri was one years old. Omri wasn't speaking yet, at least not beyond, "Hi!" Most of his vocalizations were of the "Da da da da!!!" variety.

One morning, Omri decided that Mama had slept long enough, and he started voicing his opinion that she should get her lazy tuchus out of bed and come release him from the confines of the crib ("Da da da da!") Shirah staggered into his room, and groggily said, "Omri, it's WAY too early to get up." Omri very deliberately pointed at the window to show her the sunlight pouring through. Even though he couldn't yet talk, he was clearly saying, "Look at the sunlight. If there is sunlight, it must be time to get up."

Shirah later said that it was the most eloquent Talmudic argument without words that she had ever heard.

Happy Birthday Omri!

2008-02-01T05:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Omri's birthday. He is ten years old. I am now the father of a decade-old child.

I think I need to sit down now.

Happy Belated Tu B'Shevat

2008-01-26T11:29:00.001-08:00

I tend to send a lot of belated greetings on this blog. At least this time, I have an excuse...I was out of town on business during the holiday. It really was a shame. I really was looking forward to going to our synagogue's Tu B'Shevat seder and scarfing down lots of fruit. At least I got to have some fancy fruits at a breakfast buffet at the conference I was at. It was the first time I ever actually ate dragonfruit. And this starts my new Tu B'Shevat tradition (along with making Tu B'Shevat bars...which I will post at a later date). Every Tu B'Shevat, I need to try a new tree fruit or nut...something I've never eaten before. Of course, this means that next year, I need to start browsing the produce area of Saraga International Grocery long before the holiday.

Beyond the Issues: Understanding the Candidate Through the Campaign Website

2008-01-16T22:45:00.000-08:00

Note: In the following essay, very real-sounding numeric data is presented in an authoritative manner. Be forewarned that the IDQ percentage is completely made up without the benefit of scientific polls. Of course, New Hampshire showed us the utility of scientific polls...

Despite the fact that most American’s claim to vote on the issues, I would wager that only about 25% of the voting public chooses a presidential candidate based on the issues alone. I personally include myself in this Issue-Driven Quarter (hereafter known as the IDQ). The members of the IDQ are not swayed by trivialities, such as whether or not the candidate has experience, the candidate exudes leadership, the candidate speaks in simple platitudes, or the candidate would be a fun beer-swilling companion. We want to know what the candidate believes in. We want to know what the candidate is likely to do or not to do if elected. We want to know if the candidate will take money from the rich and give it to the poor – or vice versa.

By the time a voter gets to the general election, selecting a candidate should be pretty straightforward. Although the candidates’ political stances may be muddied by election debates, sound bites, or dirty political tricks, most candidates follow their party’s ideologies so closely that any voter still claiming to be undecided either has no opinions at all or is just not paying attention.

Primary elections are another story altogether. The candidates within a particular party can not stray ideologically too far from the group center or they risk being shunned by the party faithful...or at least the party bosses. During the primaries, the candidates walk a very fine line between claiming that they are all alike and claiming that they are all completely different. In the end, of course, they all sound pretty much alike.

The IDQ have the difficult task of trying to distinguish the candidates based on stump speeches, voting records, and sound bites. Many Web-based tools have cropped up recently to help the political junkie find his or her “perfect” candidate by asking the voter a series of political, economic, and social questions. Most recently, I found Electoral Compass USA which charts the candidates on a two-dimensional axis: economics vs. social issues. Although the Republican candidates spread out a little bit on the Electoral Compass USA map, the Democratic candidates cluster together in a tight grouping. Differences in the issues become meaningless because a true Democrat would be happy to vote for ANY of them based on the issues alone.

IDQers are left looking at (shudder) non-issue specific factors, and this goes against our very nature. How do we tell who has the most believable, understandable, motivating, and succinct message? How do we judge relative charisma and leadership appeal? How do we find the candidate least likely to start a war in the Middle East based on trumped up intelligence and incompetent staffers? Do we rely on T.V. pundits? Newspaper columnists? Bloggers? Oprah?

The answer, believe it or not, is the candidates’ own campaign Websites.

“How can that be?” I hear you say, “Aren’t campaign Websites inherently biased?” Yes. Of course. And that’s the point. Campaign Websites are marketing material, but they are enduring marketing material. As such, they have to be prepared carefully. Everything the candidate wants to get across has to be made blindingly obvious. Everything the candidate wants you to forget about has to be hidden.

It’s all about technical communication. Format, style, and audience is as important as basic content when delivering a message. Content by itself is meaningless. Content in context is key. And since the Internet is the new political medium, campaign Websites not only reflect the candidates’ personas, they also give insight into the candidates strengths and weaknesses. As an exercise, lets compare the three Democratic frontrunner sites:
John Edwards (http://www.johnedwards.com/)
Hillary Clinton (http://www.hillaryclinton.com/)
Barack Obama (http://www.barackobama.com/)

When analyzing political Websites, I have found four determinants to be particularly telling:

Appearance (Look and Feel)

Language

Structure

Audience

Appearance:

When the user hits all three candidates’ Websites for the first time, a splash page appears encouraging the user to contribute to the campaign. Although Obama’s and Edwards’ sites both show black-and-white pictures of the candidates with their families, Clinton’s site only shows Hillary’s smiling head. It’s a very interesting difference. Obama and Edwards want to remind you of their families; Clinton wants you to forget hers. This is a pragmatic move considering the perception in this country that a vote for Hillary is really just a vote for Bill. Hillary has to establish herself as an independent entity.

Moving past the splash page, the color palette of the front page is important. For example, Edwards’s site mixes red, blue, green, and pale yellow. The site appears to be going for a more folksy look with the shades of pale yellow and tan. Unfortunately, the mix of colors makes the site look too busy and not at all engaging.

Clinton’s site uses a very striking red, white, and blue. The bright colors are energizing and suggest a campaign gaining momentum. Furthermore, the patriotic color theme is stronger here than in the Websites of the other two candidates.

Obama’s site primarily uses blue and white with a little bit of red. The colors are less energizing, but they are very comfortable. Not only do you want to stay on the site and stare at the blue and white, but the message conveyed is...and I know this is trite...that Obama is “True Blue.”

The pictures on the front page are also telling. Edwards’ site features a picture of the candidate holding his son, surrounded by his family and a few supporters. Along with the text, “For the millions of unheard voices in the country,” the picture sends the message that this is the candidate of the common man and woman.

A couple of days ago, Clinton’s site showed the her facing a massive audience of supporters. Along with the text, “Let’s Make History: Keep the Momentum Going!” the image spoke of a growing “movement” of supporters, and almost, but didn’t quite, come right out and tell you to jump on the Hillary Bandwagon. Although the slogan on the site now reads, “Solutions for the American Economy,” the picture is still one of Hillary addressing a large crowd.

Obama’s site shows masses of people in silhouette, but does not show actual faces. The picture is accompanied by the headline text, “I’m asking you to believe. Not just in my ability to bring about real change in Washington...I’m asking you to believe in yours.” It is an interesting choice of image, because it asks the viewer to assume that his or her voice is represented in the mass of silhouettes. It is also a risky move, since it does not specifically reflect the viewer’s face in the crowd. The image seems to say, “Whoever you are, insert your face here.”

Language:

When analyzing Website language, assume you are a “typical” user and first look for the largest text. Whatever jumps off the page at you SHOULD be the main message. If your eyes are first drawn to the text, “CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION,” than the candidate really does not have a cohesive message.

On John Edwards’ splash page, the big text reads, “Join the Campaign to Change America.” This is such a hackneyed message as to be nearly meaningless. Since all the candidates talk about “change”, the site suggests a “me too” attitude in the candidate. “Change” has no tangible meaning. Even on the main page, Edwards’ patented “One America” slogan is lost in a sea of text. If you wait on the site long enough, the headline, “For the Millions of Unheard Voices in America,” appears in big letters. The message that Edwards is working for the common man and woman is a powerful message, but it is completely lost in the page’s rhetoric. To make matters worse, a particularly large link takes the user to Edwards’ 80-page book on One America. Who, on God’s green earth, wants to read an 80-page book about political rhetoric? We’ve got things to do...places to go...Runescape to play.

Contrast Edwards’ splash page with Obama’s: “Change We Can Believe In.” True, the requisite word “change” is mentioned, but Obama’s text immediately conveys two important messages. The word “we” immediately tells us that WE the voters are part of this change process, not just the candidate working alone. The text “believe” tells us that the change will be real, concrete change. We will know there is change. We can almost taste it. Obama’s message is then carried onto the main page with the text, “Yes, we can.” Again, we are all in this together...whatever “this” is.

Clinton has changed her Website slogan from “Help Make History: Keep the Momentum Going!” to “Solutions for the American Economy.” The first slogan invoked the gender issue, reminding the voter that she would be the first female president. The second slogan is much more pragmatic; it not only frames a national concern – the economy – but it also frames her role as a candidate – a solutions provider.

Unlike Obama’s page which is all about the voter, Clinton’s page is all about the candidate. Clinton’s campaign site says, “Hillary for President,” in big letters. It is a much more personal entreaty. Clinton wants you to know her as a PERSON, not just as an instrument of change, set of issues, or leader of a political party. “Hillary” is your buddy, your friend, your confidante. And considering that 75% of the voting public are not in the IDQ, this is likely to be a clever move.

Architecture:

As any good Web developer will tell you, the structure or architecture of a Website is a critical part of its usability. This is true for political Websites as well; Website architecture reflects the efficacy of a presidential campaign. An intuitive, easy-to-navigate site reflects a campaign with a clear message. By respecting the user experience, the candidate respects the user. A jumbled or overly-complex architecture reflects a struggling campaign.

Edwards’ front page suffers from an appalling lack of organization and architectural design. It throws much too much information onto the page without organizing it into discrete chunks. The page essentially tells the user, “All the information is here. It’s up to you to sort it out.” This is not an effective campaign strategy.

Clinton’s and Obama’s sites do a much better job of “chunking” out the information on the front page. Note, for example, how both sites clearly identify ways to support their campaigns besides contributing money. The sites differ in how much content they place above the scroll line. Clinton’s page opts for a more compact look, reducing the amount of scrolling needed to see the entire page. Obama’s page places much of the content below the scroll line to give the site a less cluttered, less content-heavy look. Obama trades in Web real estate for a longer, leaner, and – dare I say it – cleaner look. It’s a risky choice for Obama considering the perception that he is a candidate of rhetoric over substance.

Even the menu bars say something about the candidates. Clinton makes it much easier to find her stances on the issues. Scroll over the “Issues” tab and one will see actual statements instead of general topics: Strengthening the Middle Class, Ending the War in Iraq, Energy Independence & Global Warming, Fulfilling Our Promises to Veterans. With very few words, Clinton tells the user exactly where she stands and what she plans to do.

Obama’s most telling menu tab is the “People” tab. By listing different demographic groups, Obama associates himself with people more than issues. Why should I vote for Obama if I’m a veteran? Click the “veterans” link. What about if I’m bisexual? Click the GLBT link. Organizing the links in this fashion frames the candidate as a person devoted to people, not simply a person devoted to issues.

Audience:

According to Technical Writing 101 by Pringle and O’keefe (2000), “Take your audience into account, but don’t insult your readers by assuming that sprinkling a few ethnic names throughout the document will, by itself, make your document appropriate for the audience.” Likewise, by identifying the most obvious and realistic audience of the Website, one finds the true targeted constituents of the candidate.

Edwards, for example, is clearly targeting middle America. Even if you know nothing about his “Two Americas” speeches, the tagline, “For the Millions of Unheard Voices in America,” makes it clear that he sees himself as a champion for the poor. The South Carolina ad mentioning his father who worked in a mill seals this image.

Clinton’s audience is well-defined, although it changes whenever she changes her site. When I first started analyzing her site, her audience was clearly young voters. The Hillblazers (Young Leaders for Hillary in 2008) directs the user to the “Ask Hillary: Watch Hillary Answer Your Questions” video. This video combines scenes of young culturally diverse voters praising Hillary with scenes of Hillary answering questions posted on the Internet.

Clinton’s recent changes to her site also appear to target lower and middle income families. “Hillary’s Plan to Jumpstart the Economy” is not original in its concept, but the wording and pictures on the site clearly position her as a candidate who will provide government solutions to the problems of the poor and disenfranchised.

Obama’s Website is a harder nut to crack. The target audience appears to be...the entire country. Instead of focusing on specific constituents, he invites all demographic groups to help him “bring about real change in Washington.” If his tactic works, it’s a powerful strategy in that his target audience is very broad, including gays, veterans, people-of-faith, and environmentalists...to list but a few.

Final Analysis:

It is vitally important to understand that a Website analysis does NOT give the voter an in depth look of a candidate's political profile. Obama's political stances are just as well thought out and reasoned as are Clinton's, possibly even more so. In fact, all three of candidates have clearly stated plans for Iraq, the economy, and social issues. The Website analysis simply tells us how well the candidate COMMUNICATES this.

The analysis is also useful in that it sidesteps the argumentative rhetoric and he-said/she-said bickering so common during an election cycle. Do you really want to base your presidential choice on a 30-second sound bite taken out of context?

In summary:

Obama’s message, “I’m asking you to believe,” resonates throughout the site. Obama asks you to see him as a straight-talking, true-blue candidate who will work WITH the American people to bring about change in Washington. Obama’s candidacy is not about Obama...it’s about YOU.

Clinton’s message, “Solutions for the American Economy,” is a bit more expedient than Obama’s, although it is clearly stated and clearly communicated. Clinton asks you to see her as a “solutions” person, a candidate whose years of experience are critical for bringing real change to Washington. However, Clinton, much more than Obama, wants you to know her as a person. Clinton wants you to know the real Hillary.

Edwards’ message, “One America,” could be much more effective if Edwards could broaden its target appeal and focus his image. Unfortunately, Edwards has clearly defined his target audience to the exclusion of other audiences. Furthermore, his poorly organized Website, along with his prominent link to an 80-page book, presents him as a candidate with plenty of good ideas but a lack of a clear vision.

One last note: John Edwards gives real estate on his Website to his wife and oldest daughter Cate in the hopes that we might understand him through his family. While a noble gesture, this may have been his worst move yet. I’m just a wee bit concerned that Cate listed The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath as one of her favorite books.

And we thought the Bush girls were trouble.

My Favorite Indian Restaurant in Indianapolis

2008-01-10T17:50:00.000-08:00

According to IndyEthnicFood.com, the Indianapolis metro area has 12 Indian restaurants (11 really since India Garden has two locations). I have eaten in 8 out of the 11 restaurants, and I have not had a bad meal in any of them. That's pretty good for a midwestern city. How many other cities outside of Mumbai can boast a MINIMUM competence rate of 73% when it comes to Indian food.

However, I have my favorites. In fact, I have my favorite, and it is definitely Taj of India. The restaurant serves east Indian fare. The average entree costs $8-$12, and the lunch buffet is $6.60 per person.

The food is fantastic, the portions are large, the vegetarian entrees are many (I've counted close to 25), and the restaurant feels...well...friendly. There is no other word for it but friendly. I feel more comfortable there then in any other Indian restaurant in town, largely because of the soft lighting, authentic Indian music, and unpretentious attitude. And, of course, the food. Oh, yes...the food...

My wife insists that we go there (or get takeout from there) whenever possible. Malai Kofta is her favorite dish, and she insists that they make the best malai kofta in town. Tonight she insisted that I drive across town to Taj of India after I picked up Omri from Hebrew School (even though it wasn't the closest restaurant to the school or to our house) because she was craving some "comfort food."

Of course, I have to admit that we also love the restaurant because Rani, our favorite waitress, works there. It's not just that she's always friendly, it's not just that she's very cute, it's not just that she can recognize me on the phone whenever I put in an order, it's not just that she knows our order by heart:

malai kofta mild for Shirah, paneer pakora for the boys, one order of garlic naan, and something medium spicy for me...usually palak paneer. Oh, and 2 mango shakes.

No, it's not any one of those things. It's all of those things combined.

I highly, highly recommend the restaurant. Please say namaste to Rani when you're there.

And tip her well.

One Night with the King

2007-12-30T20:05:00.000-08:00

A couple of nights ago, I saw One Night with the King, a movie about the Book of Esther. Well, actually, the movie is based on the novel Hadassah: One Night with the King, by Tommy Tenney. But, since I've never read the book, nor do I plan to, I can only comment on the movie.

To be fair, I had ulterior motives in seeing the movie, and believe it or not, they were not Tiffany Dupont (seen on the left). Purim is the underdog of Jewish holidays. It's fun, it's raucous, it's frivolous, it's deeply philosophical, it's family-oriented, and you are commanded to get drunk. In Israel, it borders on Mardi Gras or Carnivale. In the U.S., it borders on obscurity. It just doesn't have the calendar real estate of Chanukah...you know, right next to Christmas. Frankly, it deserves much better than that, and I take every oppportunity to push my Purim agenda. Consider me a Purim champion.

So, naturally I jump at any movie that promotes, advertises, or in any way exposes Purim to the greater goyische public. Even if it simply retells a Biblical story. Even if it's made by Gener8xion Entertainment, a Christian company, with (potentially) an agenda separate from mine.

Back to the movie. Well, the movie could have been worse. That's not a ringing endorsement, but it's also not a scathing indictment. As a movie, it's not bad. It creates an entertaining love story out of an Biblical tale, and makes you believe that Esther's life is truly on the line as she goes to plead King Ahasuerus (well...Xerxes in the movie) for the lives of her people. Tiffany Dupont plays a spunky, buoyant Esther, and she is Jewish-looking enough to pull off the role. John Rhys-Davies as Mordechai is...well...John Rhys-Davies. He looks and sounds like Mordechai should sound, although you do keep expecting him to burst out with "Indy, my friend!" (a la Raiders of the Lost Ark). James Callis plays a suitably vengeful and evil Haman who hates the Jews with a passion due to the wrongs the Hebrews done to his people 500 years earlier. Yeah, it's nasty stuff, right out of the Bible.

The sets are gorgeous, the acting is decent, and, most importantly, the dialog is not as stilted as one would expect from a Biblical movie. I did like the fact that the movie was RELATIVELY faithful to the original story (the Bible, not the novel). Considering that the novel was written by a Pentecostal evangelist, I was not expecting a very faithful treatment of the material...or at least not a Jewish treatment.

However, the movie (or the novel) tries to turn the story into Midrash by adding some bizarre back story about a pending war with Greece. This would have worked better if the movie hadn't muddied the waters by mixing up some key plot elements in the story. I could just see fans of the original book shouting at the screen, "No, you fools! Mordechai hears about the decree AFTER refusing to bow down. After! After! After!" And of course, it has to add some typical Hollywood elements of mistaken identity and fear of infidelity.

For some reason, all of the secondary characters are played by Indians. It used to be that Italians and Jews were interchangeable in Hollywood. I guess in Biblical epics, Indians and Jews are interchangeable. I would have loved to see Aishwarya Rai play Esther. But anyway...

I guess my biggest beef is that I still have not seen a movie based on the Book of Esther that is truly faithful to the story. The story of Purim is one of the hottest, raciest, most exciting books of the Bible filled with vanity, honor, vengeance, love, bravery, and, of course, clan warfare. It doesn't need a Hollywood treatment.

But keep Tiffany.

The Yearly T'ruah

2007-12-30T19:28:00.000-08:00

The Yearly T'ruah, our family newsletter, is finally finished. I sent it out to most of my family and friends, so if you did not receive a copy, this means that a) we did not send you one, b) we sent you one (with our best wishes for a new year) but it got lost in the mail, or c) we sent you one (with our best wishes for a new year) but silly us...we sent it to the wrong address.

In other words, we are only admitting to options b) and c). However, I am willing to send a copy to anyone who requests it on an opt-in basis.

If you did not receive a copy, possibly suggesting that we do not have your most recent contact information, please drop me a line, and tell me where you are now, what you are doing, etc., etc., etc.

And Happy Gregorian New Year.

Happy Low Salt Chanukah!

2007-12-10T09:25:00.000-08:00

My mother came to visit this weekend for Chanukah. She is on a low salt diet, which always makes going out to restaurants a bit of challenge. However, we promised her that everything I cooked at home would be as low in salt as possible. Since Saturday night was designated "Latke Night," I had to come up with a tasty low-salt latke recipe.

Now one tack is to add savory spices to the latkes to create a new latke entity. Possibilities include:

Indian spices - curry powder, cumin, garam masala

Mexican spices - chili powder and picante

Italian spices - basil, oregano, thyme

Dill and mint

Now that I think about it, I should have tried dill, mint, parsley, and onion powder. The onion powder would give it a rounder, saltier flavor to balance out the bitterness of the dill. And hopefully, this could all be done without any added salt.

However, I didn't try any of the above. Instead, I substituted half of the russet potatoes with sweet potatoes. This gives the latke a slightly sweet dimension that makes up for much of the missing salt without making the whole dish noticeably sweet. One caveat...sweet potatoes do not bind together like russet potatoes, so you need to make sure you have enough egg in the mixture to hold everything together. I think the only way to make the dish using only sweet potatoes (and no white potatoes) is to add extra egg. Furthermore, it helps if you squeeze and shape the patties before frying them instead of simply ladling the potato mixture into the oil (which you can do if you only use white potatoes).

I must say that the latkes came out pretty well. Or at least I thought so. Shirah took a bite and immediately reached for the salt. The kids put ketchup on them. Of course, they put ketchup on everything. That's what happens when you are born in Minnesota. But I digress...

Yesterday at religious school, I taught the 5th graders how to make latkes. It was an interesting experiment in project management: trying to distribute tasks among 20 10-year olds. I divided up the room into four tables: two tables grated potatoes, one chopped onions, and one mixed the egg, matzah meal, and salt together. We only had one "grating" injury requiring a Band-aid (well, a couple of Band-aids in rapid succession) which really wasn't too bad considering that these were young children wielding sharp knives with a 1:7 adult:child ratio.

Personally, I thought the recipe had WAY too much salt in it. I'm not sure whether the kids read the recipe wrong, or if they read the recipe correctly and I just need to adjust the 2 tsp. to 1 tsp. However, my wife tried one later in the day. She commented, "They were really good. I noticed that they tasted a little different from the ones you make at home...but I couldn't pinpoint the difference."

"They had salt in them," I told her evenly.

"Ah..." she said with a voice that suddenly understood every dish I ever made in the past ten years.

I'm going to buy her a salt lick for the 8th night of Chanukah.

The Land of Curiosities

2007-12-10T07:10:00.000-08:00

My sister Paula is a graphic designer in Chicago, andshe has art directed an interesting children's novel called The Land of Curiosities, Adventures in Yellowstone, 1871-1872. It is the first in a series created by The EcoSeekers that teaches awareness andhopes to inspire activism in children about the environment.

Paula forwarded me a message from authors Dave and Dee Neil:

Hello family, friends, colleagues, and other people we like, We are proud to announce the launch of ourcompany’s website, www.theecoseekers.com, and our first book, THE LAND OF CURIOSITIES: Adventures inYellowstone, 1871-1872.

This is the first book in a collection of stories about defining events and themes in the history of the environmental movement as told through the experiences of courageous young fictional characters.

In a good ol' Western adventure, THE LAND OF CURIOSITIES revolves around the creation of Yellowstone as the world's first national park in 1872. Geared towards ages 8 and up (and loved by adults too), the book includes a 16-page real history section for educators and the curious.

We are particularly excited by the very positive responses we have received thus far, from kids and adults. Endorsements include Robert F. Kennedy Jr.,U.S. Senator Dick Durbin, and Nell Newman.

Take a look at our website http://www.theecoseekers.com/ and help spread the word. And, naturally, feel free to buy as many books as you’d like (they make great holiday gifts)!

PLEASE FORWARD THIS EMAIL along to others. We’d greatly appreciate your doing so. We hope to hear from you soon. The brother-sister team of….
- Dave and Dee Neil

P.S. In case we have not spoken in a while… Last year,we created a company called The EcoSeekers™ to educate and engage kids in the environmental movement through our branded entertainment, products and online community. Our goal is to achieve the level of influence and success of American Girl and HarryPotter, but for the environment. We're a publishing company and more!

...Or Maybe Stick With Google During Chanukah

2007-12-06T05:38:00.000-08:00

IN REGARDS TO YESTERDAY'S POST...

Shortly after I bragged to you all about Ask.com's Chanukah skin, they apparently pulled the skin from the site. So, now Ask.com has no reference to Chanukah whatsoever on the front page.

I give up. I'm going back to Google. And while I'm at it, I'm going to eat some trans fats.

Use Ask.com During Chanukah

2007-12-05T05:49:00.000-08:00

Chag Sameah, y'all. Happy Chanukah.

I went to Google's Website this morning to see if my favorite search engine...you know, the one cofounded by a Russian Jew...had any mention of the first day of Chanukah on its front page. Considering all the esoteric holidays that Google acknowledges, Chanukah was a pretty safe bet.

Nada. Zilch. Rien. Efes. Null value.

Ask.com, on the other hand, has a wonderful Chanukah-themed image as a background. So, I'm making a resolution this Chanukah to switch from Google to Ask.com in protest. I encourage you to do the same. Support multiculturalism and use Ask.com. Protest the great Antiochus of Google (let's not forget the whole Google China incident) by boycotting Google.

The Maccabis have spoken.

And Then it was Thanksgiving

2007-11-28T21:29:00.001-08:00

I did have great intentions of writing our family newsletter, the Yearly T'ruah, back in September. I was all set to go...but then I had to go and break my left pinky finger. Technically, I could still type. But when you spend 9-10 hours of your day furiously typing reports at work with your left hand in splint, you lose all enthusiasm for cranking out a typed newsletter once you get home.

So, now that my hand is no longer splinted, and my pinky is healing nicely, I have grand intentions of getting The T'ruah out before Chanukah. Of course, calling it the T'ruah doesn't make much sense anymore...but that's the way the oil burns.

But now it is Thanksgiving. Well, okay, now it is a couple of days AFTER Thanksgiving. My sister-in-law hosted the family dinner this year, taking over the tradition long held by my parents-in-law. My sister-in-law was excited about taking on the responsibility, and my in-laws were ECSTATIC about dumping it on her.

Of course, we followed my in-laws other family tradition and split up the cooking so that no one person was saddled with feeding an army.

One of my contributions was the vegetarian stuffing. Many years ago, I convinced my father-in-law that homemade stuffing was MUCH better than Pepperidge Farm's stuffing, so now I get to make it every year. Of course, I make a vegetarian stuffing which is served separately in a pan. Besides, even for those omnivores who insist on eating turkey and other animal flesh for Thanksgiving, it is much safer to eat the stuffing separately as many food studies have shown.

So, here is my recipe for Vegetarian Thanksgiving Stuffing:

1 pan cornbread
7 slices oven-dried white (or whole wheat) bread
2 cups celery
1 cup onion
1 tsp. sage
1 Tbs. poultry seasoning (or similar spice mixture)
5-7 cups vegetarian broth
4-8 Tbs. butter, melted
Salt and pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Saute celery and onion in a little oil.

In a bowl, crumble together cornbread and oven dried bread. Add sauteed vegetables and spices, and mix together. Pour in broth and butter. Bake in greased pan for 30-45 minutes.

L'Shanah Tovah

2007-09-25T05:38:00.000-07:00

L'Shanah Tovah, y'all. May you all find health, happiness, and prosperity in the new year...in that order.

"Accidentally"?

2007-08-08T06:23:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, my wife sent me the following email regarding Micah, our 5-year old:

Words I never expected to hear while being presented with a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich: "Mama, can I throw this away? I accidentally washed it."

Cue spit take. I'm at a loss for words.

New Toy

2007-08-08T05:47:00.000-07:00

I recently fell into some birthday money (my birthday is August 13...mark it on your calendars folks), so I decided to actually buy something for ME. Rarely do I get to do that these days other than lunches out and the occasional kitchen gadget. I finally broke down and bought an MP3 player. I feel like I've finally joined the 1990s.

I followed PCMag.com's recommendations and bought a Sansa Express. It's a tiny little thing with 1GB of memory, but it's a great MP3 player, and it's at least a third of the cost of the Apple iPod Nano. It basically gives you all the basic functions: music, FM radio, voice recording, and FM recording. Furthermore, the USB port is directly attached to it, so you can plug it directly into your computer to charge it up and upload/download songs.

What's amazing/amusing is I remember my first portable Sony CD player that I bought $10 years ago for $100. This cost half that. Of course portable CD players now cost one-quarter that.

So, if you need me, I'll be plugged in to my new toy...probably listening to Kevin Mohl and the Burning Sensation.

National Junior Tennis League

2007-08-06T11:44:00.001-07:00

I can't say enough about the National Junior Tennis League, a program founded in 1969, "as a way to gain and hold the attention of young people in the inner cities and other poor environments so that we can teach them about matters more important than tennis….Through tennis, lives can be changed and spirits reclaimed." Not being a tennis player...or previously having much interest in tennis...I had never heard of the program before. I strongly encourage other parents to check out the program, even if your kids have no tennis ability whatsoever.

We signed Omri up this summer for tennis lessons at the National Junior Tennis League of Indianapolis. I was looking for summer programs for Omri, and a friend of mine turned me onto the NJTL program. Luckily for me, she told me about the program about two days before the application deadline.

Omri is a complete tennis beginner. His only previous experience with tennis was running around on a public tennis court and trying to hit a tennis ball a couple of years ago with a racket I bought from Goodwill for about $2. However, Omri really enjoyed the program, and he did pretty well...for a beginning player. More importantly, it got him out of the house for about 2-4 hours per week interacting in the sunshine with other kids his age.

Even better...the program is very cheap. Depending on the location you choose, the cost is $25-$45 for an 8-week program.

So, depending on whether or not I can convince Omri to go to summer camp next year, we will most likely sign him up again. He loved playing tennis, we loved that he got some fresh air, and my wallet loved holding onto just a little more green stuff.

Munna Bhai

2007-06-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

I'm back. Three months is a long time to let a blog go fallow. Sorry about that...

I must recommend two Bollywood movies I recently viewed: "Munna Bhai" and "Lage Raho Munna Bhai". Sanjay Dutt stars in both movies, and although I must admit that I haven't been a particularly huge Sanjay Dutt fan, I like him a lot more after these movies. Dutt, from what I've seen, usually plays the kindly oaf who either gets the girl at the end (because he's just too nice) or gives up the girl in the end (because he knows she loves someone else...and he's just too nice) and looks absolutely morose throughout the entire process. His character in the Munna Bhai movies, however, is that of a small time hood who has to convince his family and friends that he is either a doctor (1st movie) or a history professor specializing in Ghandi (2nd movie). Wacky hijinks ensue. Netflix can give a better plot synopsis for you.

Gracy Singh stars as his love interest in the first. You may remember her as the extremely cute love interest in "Lagaan", which is an absolute must-see for anyone looking for a good introduction to Bollywood films. Lagaan has a wonderful sound track, an exciting storyline, and is possibly the only film in the history of cinema to make the sport Cricket actually interesting.

But I digress...Vidya Balan is the love interest in the second film. Like most Bollywood actresses, she is impossibly beautiful...but she is also very entertaining. And like the main character in the film, I was becoming entranced by her shouting, "Good Morning, Mumbai!" But enough of that.

Arshad Warsi, who plays "Circuit", Munnabhai's sidekick, is very funny. As far as I can tell, he seems to be making a career of second tier character actors. If anyone knows of any movies that showcase him better, please let me know.

I just read that Lage Raho Munna Bhai" did very well at the 2007 Cannes Film Festival, and has been praised in India for promoting "Ghandiism". Cool.

But of course one mustn't forget the requisite song and dance numbers, of which there are plenty. And there pretty good. The songs from both movies are very catchy, and it was a long time before I stopped humming "Munna Bhai MBBS."

Oh, terrific. Now I'm humming it again. Damn.

Blue-Yellow Swirled Cornbread

2007-02-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

I finally have a new job (details to come in a later post), so I felt like celebrating tonight. However, Omri and Shirah were too tired to go out to eat, and we were out of any alcoholic beverage. Not much of a celebration. So, I had to settle with making a nice comfort food dinner of corn bread, black-eyed peas, and fried okra. I even got creative with the corn bread and used both yellow and blue cornmeal. I made up two separate batches and swirled them together. I recommend you try it. It's not much more work than a single batch, and it makes a unique and visually arresting cornbread. And the world definitely needs more visually arresting...cornbread.

Note: I'm not including the recipe since the cannister of cornmeal has a cornbread recipe on the side. However, I add 2 Tbs of ground flax seed to boost the omega-3 fatty acids.

Yes, folks, there you have it. Visually arresting cornbread with omega-3 fatty acids. I think we're no longer talking "comfort food".

Root and Tuber Kugel

2007-02-26T19:35:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I catered a lunch for the Sisterhood Shabbat at our synagogue. We had a nice bagel lunch with cheese platter, hummus, cream cheese, green salad, kugels, and dessert. No one seemed to notice that we didn't have lox with the bagels and cream cheese. That, of course, was no accident. It was all part of my diabolical "vegetarian agenda" to convert the masses. Just you wait, I'll make vegetarians out of them yet.

I received rave reviews for a kugel recipe I invented. I call it the Root and Tuber Kugel because it has both roots (carrots and sweet potatoes) and tubers (white potatoes). Besides, it just so darn fun to say "Root 'n Tuber Kugel."

Ingredients:
3 large Idaho potatoes
1 large sweet potato
3 large carrots
1 medium onion, diced
4 large eggs, lightly beaten
2 Tbs. vegetable oil
1 tsp. salt
fresh ground pepper
1/4 cup potato starch
3/4 cup boiling water

Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.
Grate potatoes and carrots using the fine (smallest holes) disc in the food processor.
Squeeze out liquid and place in a large mixing bowl.
Stir in eggs, 5 tbsp. oil, salt, pepper and onions.
Sprinkle starch on top.
Pour boiling water over starch and stir thoroughly.
Coat a 9x13 baking pan with cooking spray and carefully pour mixture into pan.
Bake for 20 minutes. After 20 minutes, reduce heat to 400 degrees and bake for 40 minutes or until the top is a deep golden brown.

Happy Birthday, Omri!

2007-01-30T09:48:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Omri! Mazel Tov on turning nine! I’m not sure I’m ready to be a parent of a nine-year old. I mean, I remember being nine like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t remember yesterday too well these days.

I turned nine way back in 1977. That was before Runescape. That was before the Internet. That was before digital cameras, cell phones, CDs, and DVDs. Nobody (except for my mother) worried about second-hand smoke, trans fats, nitrites in hot dogs, and undercooked meat. It’s amazing that any of us survived at all. Most of us didn’t. Those of us who did are still alive but very grumpy.

There were only three major T.V. networks. I watched Welcome Back Kotter (and did bad impressions of Horschack), Barney Miller, MASH, Rhoda, Phyllis, Maude, Quincy, Holmes & Yoyo, Alice (and did bad impressions of Flo), Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Charlie’s Angels, Good Times (and did really bad impressions of J.J.), the Jeffersons, Little House on the Prairie, The Six Million Dollar Man (and ran in slow motion), and the Bionic Woman. And that was only the primetime shows.

On Saturday mornings, Schoolhouse Rock taught all about math, English, and U.S. History. The Superfriends, Fat Albert, and Scooby Doo taught us about life.

Even amidst all that T.V., I read books. My favorite was Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, the Judy Blume book about a 9-year old who has a bratty 2-year old brother. It was a hit with ALL older brothers.

I didn’t listen to the radio much, but I do remember hearing We Are the Champions (Queen), Slip Slidin’ Away (Paul Simon), and Short People (Randy Newman). I didn’t particularly like the song Short People, considering that I was about 5 inches shorter than you are now. My friends liked the song, though, and sang it to me all the time.

Two other wonderful songs, Margaritaville (Jimmy Buffett) and Hotel California (Eagles), came out that year, but I didn’t know about them till many years later.

I started Hebrew School that year. Mrs. Zar (o.b.m.) was my teacher. I learned the Alef Bet, Hebrew vocabulary, and how to pronounce Sefardic Hebrew with a thick Polish accent. We loved her dearly and miss her terribly.

Mr. Christine was my 4th grade teacher. He was young (I realize now), energetic, idealistic, and loved to do science demonstrations in class. Naturally I liked him a lot.

Yes, Omri, that was my 9th year. It was a simpler time back then, or at least it seems so in my memories. I'm sure it didn't seem particularly simple at the time.

I can’t wait to see what you write to your son 29 years from now on his 9th birthday. Please email me a copy. Better yet, send it directly to my bio-psionic implant. I’ll turn off the spam filter.

The American War Against Science

2007-01-14T07:35:00.000-08:00

I really wish I could blame the Bush Administration for this country's war against science. I would like to believe that the president is solely responsible for sending our country back to the Dark Ages. Unfortunately, the cynic in me knows that our country is an enabler for any leader willing to show mule-headed belligerence toward reason, thought, and the scientific process.

How else can you explain that none of the major news sources have picked up on the story mentioned in yesterday's Doonesbury?

According to Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility, "Grand Canyon National Park is not permitted to give an official estimate of the geologic age of its principal feature, due to pressure from Bush administration appointees." According to PEER Executive Director Jeff Ruch, "In order to avoid offending religious fundamentalists, our National Park Service is under orders to suspend its belief in geology. It is disconcerting that the official position of a national park as to the geologic age of the Grand Canyon is ‘no comment.’”

Please tell me this is an Onion hoax. Please let me wake up tomorrow to a world actively trying to enter the 21st Century instead to the 18th Century.

If you need me, I'll be hiding under the bed with my copy of Darwin's "The Origin of the Species".

Spanikopita Pie

2007-01-08T20:47:00.000-08:00

Pies are tricky things. My mother-in-law makes some of the best pies I've ever tasted, and I make a point of watching her every time she makes pie crust. I've learned some of her tricks, such as use ice cold water (yes, the recipe in your cook book was serious about that), cut in the fat with a pastry cutter, and handle the dough as little as possible. Once you've mastered the art of a good pie crust, the sky is the limit.

I came up with a new recipe the other day for spanikopita pie. It's a very simple concept: spanikopita...in a pie shell. The great thing about the recipe is that both my kids will eat it, and one of them will even eat it eagerly. I think this is a first for any spinach dish I've made for them.

Needless to say, I'll have to make it again soon.

8 " pie crust:
1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 cup shortening
4 Tbs. ice water

1 10oz. package of frozen spinach
1/2 lb. feta cheese
4 eggs
1 Tbs. lemon juice
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1 clove garlic, minced
1/2 tsp. dill

Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.

Prepare the pie crust by mixing the salt and flour together and cutting in the shortening. Sprinkle with ice water and toss with a fork. Gather dough into a ball, wrap in waxed paper, and refrigerate at least a half hour. Roll ball of dough into flat circle and place in pie plate.

Thaw spinach and squeeze out water. Add other filling ingredients and mix together. Pour into pie shell.

Bake at 450 degrees for 5-10 minutes to set crust, then reduce heat to 350 degrees F and bake for 30-40 minutes until set.

Egg Nog Kugel

2006-12-27T10:45:00.000-08:00

I believe the eighth night of Chanukah should be called the "fire hazard" night. We had seven chanukiot set up, which means that we had 63 candles burning (see picture to the left). Luckily most of the wrapped presents had already been unwrapped, so the chances of an errant candle setting off a horrific holiday blaze were somewhat reduced.

But what's a holiday without a sense of danger.
Switching topics...after my previous rant...uh, I mean homily...one might mistakenly think that I oppose ALL blending of cultures. Not true, not true, not true. And on Chanukah next year, I can think of no better way to celebrate the season than by making the traditional Chanukah noodle kugel with a slight Christmas twist.

Egg Nog Kugel

8 oz. wide egg noodles
4 oz. butter or margarine
6 eggs
1/2 cup sour cream
1 cup cottage cheese
1 cup egg nog
¼ cup sugar
½ cup raisins

Topping:
1 cup chopped pecans
½ cup brown sugar
2 Tbs. butter, melted

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Cook noodles in boiling salted water until tender. Drain and add butter. Set aside. Beat together eggs, sour cream, cottage cheese, egg nog, and sugar. Add raisins. Add mixture to noodles. Pour into greased 8 x 12-inch baking dish. Mix together topping ingredients. Sprinkle over kugel. Bake for one hour. Serves 10-12.

Chrismukkah? Feh! Humbug!

2006-12-27T09:28:00.000-08:00

As amusing as I find the concept of “Chrismukkah”, I find it somewhat dangerous as well. It’s not the blending of two completely antithetical holidays that bothers me so much (Chanukah celebrates the victory of the Jews over religious persecution and assimilation, Christmas celebrates the perceived fulfillment of Judaism by the arrival of the prophesied Christian messiah). It's just that I fear that too few people will see the inherent irony of Chrismukkah and assume that haphazard blending of cultures can actually replace cultural sensitivity and representation. For too long, many have tried to justify government-sponsored religion under the argument that Christmas is a secular holiday (despite all the people who actually do celebrate the birth of Christ) and should in fact be equated with secular holidays such as Independence Day or Super Sunday (although many celebrate this holiday religiously).

Chanukah is, of course, one of the more minor holidays, so might I propose a list of other holidays with temporal proximity that can be blended:

Rosh Hashamadan (Rosh Hashanah and Ramadan): We celebrate the Jewish New Year, the Torah, and the revelation of the Quran all at once. For 40 days, from sun up to sundown, we blow the shofar and eat apples and honey.

Eastover (Pesach and Easter): We commemorate the Pesach seders. On the first night, we commemorate the very first seder that led to the giving of the Torah (the cornerstone of Judaism). On the second night, we commemorate the death, rebirth, and ascension of Jesus (the cornerstone of Christianity). After that, we search for soggy matzah on the front lawn and eat pesadic chocolate bunnies.

Purdi Gras (Purim and Marti Gras): We celebrate Esther’s bravery in ancient Persia on the last day before Lent. We dress in costume, drink heavily, and party like there’s no tomorrow. OK, so maybe this one actually works.

My point is simply that while the blending of traditions can be a good thing, the blending should not replace the original holiday, religion, or traditions. Celebrate Chanukah, or don’t. Celebrate Christmas, or don’t. Celebrate both if you like. But please don't believe that you can maintain a foot in your own heritage by replacing it with a blended version of another one.

Just some thoughts for 2007.

Happy Chanukah!

2006-12-20T06:02:00.000-08:00

Happy 5th Day of Chanukah! I wish all of you a wonderful holiday filled with peace and light...and fried foods. Enyoy the latkes! Enjoy the sufganiyot! Enjoy the fichuelas!

Just be prepared to work it all off in January. You have until Purim.

Chag Sameach!

Bubbles of Incompetence

2006-12-14T06:01:00.000-08:00

I have long held the belief that incompetence is not merely the lack of competence, but in fact a noncorporeal entity that exists in two forms: static and transient. Static incompetence takes up permanent residence in a single person, like our current president, or a single institution, like FEMA. Transient incompetence, on the other hand, exists in discrete bubbles that shift from one location to the next, occasionally encompassing an entire establishment. How else can one explain why a favorite restaurant suddenly can’t make change, drops all their dishes, and screws up your order…repeatedly?

Actually, this time it wasn’t my favorite restaurant…it was my mother’s. A couple of week’s ago, my mother and I went out to dinner at Nick’s Patio, her favorite restaurant in South Bend, Indiana. Nick’s serves American home-style food in very large, very tasty portions, but the restaurant has become her favorite because it is one of the few places in South Bend that can accommodate her low-salt, low-fat, low-spiciness diet. Recently, the owner of Nick’s had to put himself on a low-salt diet, and he has repeatedly assured my mother that she can get a good low-sodium meal there.

But every now and then, there is a bubble.

She ordered the vegetable stir fry and told the waitress that it needs to be low salt. “No soy sauce,” she said.

“No problem,” said the waitress.

When the plate came, my mother tried to ask the waitress about the noticeable brown sauce on the stir fry. “This is no soy sauce, right?”

“Yes,” she said. “I told the kitchen, no soy sauce.”

So my mother started eating.

“Taste this,” she asked me. “Is there soy sauce in it?”

I tasted the stir fry. It actually had flavor, which is usually indicative of the presence of salt in some form. But who was I to argue with her favorite establishment?

“Um…” I said, “I’m not sure. Maybe they used a broth instead.”

My mother wasn’t convinced. After eating a third of the meal, she flagged down the waitress and asked her to ask the kitchen about the brown sauce. Eating with my mother is always entertaining.

It took a while for the waitress to get back to us. A long while. In the meantime, I had given my mother a third of my 4-egg omelette (which was low salt) so she wouldn’t starve. Finally, the waitress returned.

“It’s not soy sauce,” she said cheerfully. “It’s teriyaki sauce.”

There was an audible pause.

After my mother explained to her as politely as her New York blood would allow that a) teriyaki sauce was almost ENTIRELY made up of soy sauce and b) teriyaki sauce was extremely high in salt, she asked to speak to the owner. The owner wasn't there, so she spoke to the manager. The manager made sure that she got her meal re-made (although for some bizarre reason, it took two more times before the kitchen could get it right), and she didn’t charge us for my mother’s meal. It was very good customer service for one of Nick’s faithful patrons. If only the manager had left it there.

The manager patiently explained to us that the kitchen staff didn’t know what was in teriyaki sauce. “Furthermore,” she continued, “Most of them don’t even speak English.”

Sometimes honesty is NOT the best policy. Open letter to all restaurants that I patronize in the future: Please don’t ever tell me that a) the people preparing my food have no idea what they are putting into it or, b) nobody can accurately communicate my order to the kitchen staff. If necessary, make something up. Anything. “Oh, we’re sorry about that. The chef’s wife ran away today with the plumber, and he’s been messing up everyone’s order.” I’ll accept that. I’d prefer that.

Didn’t know that teriyaki sauce had soy sauce in it? Honestly. What did they think made it salty? Magic?

We decided to go elsewhere for dessert, and after another comedy of errors (where all of our favorite ice cream establishments were closed), we ended up at McDonalds to get chocolate-dipped cones. There were only about 4 other patrons in the restaurant, but after putting my order in, we had to wait about 7 minutes to get the cones because - and I kid you not - none of the staff knew how to make chocolate-dipped cones.

I felt like jumping across the counter and offering to make them myself. Look, I would say, ice cream…chocolate sauce…dip…twirl…done! But I didn’t. It wasn’t their fault. The bubble had simply encompassed all of South Bend, and there was nothing I could do but wait for the bubble to get bored and move on.

Healthy? You betcha!

2006-12-05T09:19:00.000-08:00

I missed a day of work yesterday due to this nasty cold that I'm trying to shake. I can't help but wonder how much healthier I might have been had I remained in Minnesota instead of moving back to Indiana 4 years ago.

Minnesota has been named the healthiest state for the fourth consecutive year by the United Health Foundation. Not too shabby, considering that this is the land that popularized fried cheese curds.

Indiana is 33rd this year. Not so good, considering it dropped from 32nd place last year. New York is 29th this year, having dropped from 26th place last year.

We'll see if Mayor Michael Bloomberg's attempts to save NYC despite itself will do any good next year. In his first term, he banned smoking from bars and restaurants. Today the Board of Health voted to make New York the nation's first city to ban artery-clogging artificial trans fats at restaurants. Sure, all the libertarians are crying foul now, but we'll see who's laughing when the New York raises itself up to be the 25th most healthy state.

In the meantime, I can dream about returning to the Land of 10,000 Lakes where the government looks out for the health of its consituents. I can already taste the cheese curds.

Thanksgiving Wild Rice Pilaf with Tofu

2006-11-24T07:49:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving! Well, Happy 2nd day of Thanksgiving to be exact. We are spending Thanksgiving with my in-laws who have moved their big feast to the day after Thanksgiving to better accommodate everyone's holiday family expectations. Now my sister-in-law can feast with her in-laws in Oblong, Illinois, on Thursday and feast with her parents in Terre Haute on Friday. This creates a defacto 2nd seder for Thanksgiving. My in-laws aren't Jewish, but they have a better understanding of Jewish ritual than do most Jews.

This creates a new tradition for the Thanksgiving meal: lasagna. Although the 2nd seder always has the traditional turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, etc., the 1st seder for the last two years has been vegetarian lasagna and garlic bread. It makes for a great Thanksgiving meal, but it's a little difficult to slice into sandwiches for leftovers.

Many have asked me, “Just what do vegetarians EAT during Thanksgiving?” I suspect many have an image of my family meagerly scraping the last of the mashed potatoes and corn onto our plate while the rest of the extended family, omnivores all of them, greedily gorge themselves on turkey and giblet gravy and toss half of their crescent roll to my hungry children to watch them scuffle over the buttery roll, all the time taking bets on who will end up with the black eye.

Although I have experimented with many vegetarian main dishes in the past on Thanksgiving, nowadays we just create a balanced meal of side dishes rather than a hierarchical meal of main dish and back-up singers. Having said that, some side dishes do get elevated to the status of “signature dish.” The wild rice pilaf with tofu has become a new tradition (three years running). Although it doesn't slice into sandwiches like turkey, it makes a great tortilla wrap for the week after Thanksgiving.

Wild Rice Pilaf with Tofu

Ingredients:
1 lb. (1 block) of extra-firm tofu, Chinese style
3 cups vegetarian broth (I recommend Rapunzel Vegetable Bouillon)
1 cup brown rice
1/2 cup wild rice (make sure it's Minnesota-grown)
1/4-1/2 cup chopped onion
1 Tbs. vegetable oil
1 15 oz. can mandarin oranges, drained, syrup reserved
1 cup chopped pecans
sprig of rosemary

Preheat the oven to 400oF. Drain the tofu and press out the excess water on 2-3 paper towels. Cut the tofu into cubes. Marinate the tofu in 1-2 cups of broth for 30 minutes at room temperature or for several hours in the refrigerator. Remove the tofu from the broth and bake in the oven for 10-12 minutes. Turn each piece of tofu over and bake for another 10 minutes until tofu is firm and light brown, but not burnt.

In a large sauce pot, saute the onions in the oil. Add the brown rice, 1 cup broth, 1/4 cup reserved mandarin orange syrup, and 1/4-1/2 cup water and cook until rice is tender. In a separate pot, cook the wild rice in 1 cup of water.

Mix together the brown rice, wild rice, chopped pecans, and tofu. Serve on a large platter, garnished with mandarin orange slices and a couple of sprigs of rosemary (optional).

Amber Indian, Revisited

2006-11-16T05:54:00.000-08:00

Forget what I previously said about the desserts at Amber Indian. I went to the lunch buffet yesterday, and the gulab jamun was perfect. They were warm and flavorful, with a good amount of cardamom. Good desserts on an Indian lunch buffet (at least in Indianapolis) seems like such a rarity that I am always impressed when I find them.

Glutenschnitzel

2006-10-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

Seitan, a vegetarian meat analog, is made from wheat gluten cooked in broth, traditionally a soy broth. Gluten is the protein found in whole wheat flour. It can be isolated from whole wheat flour by rinsing and kneading a flour/water mixture until all the starch is removed.

I used to make my own gluten from scratch back when I was in grad school. It was a lot of fun, but it was very time consuming, and it left a starchy mess that coated the entire kitchen. I finally gave it up and started making it the easy way by reconstituting store-bought gluten flour with liquid. I still miss making my own gluten. It's kind of like the difference between hunting wild game in the Boundary Waters and buying pre-packaged chicken wings at the deli counter.

The best book I have found on seitan is Cooking with Gluten and Seitan, by Dorothy R. Bates and Colby Wingate. I have had the best luck cooking seitan in a pressure cooker for 30 minutes instead of simmering it slowly. The pressure cooker gives a soft, slightly chewy seitan, whereas the simmering method always gives me a hard, rubbery seitan which is really not conducive to convincing your friends and relatives to become vegetarian.

Tonight I made glutenschnitzel, my own personal seitan recipe. It's made like vienerschnitzel or chicken schnitzel, but you don't have to pound the mean into flat cutlets. You simply slice the seitan into thin cutlets (about 1/4 inch thick).

I prepare three separate shallow bowls: one with white flour, one with an egg beaten with 1-2 teaspoons of water, and a third with bread crumbs. I coat the seitan cutlet with flour, transfer it to the egg and coat it completely, and then transfer the eggy cutlet to the bread crumbs. Each cutlet is then fried in about 1/4 inch thick of vegetable oil. I flip the cutlet over and fry the other side when the first side browns.

I usually serve Glutenschnitzel with a tomato sauce, such as a commercial spaghetti sauce.

Note: It is important to remember that like most meat analogs, seitan tastes and feels SIMILAR to meat but not EXACTLY LIKE meat. It is its own animal, so to speak. I find it important to appreciate seitan for what it is, rather than what it isn't.

The Quest for the Perfect Sukkah

2006-10-17T22:05:00.000-07:00

For those of you new to Jewish holidays, Sukkot is a harvest holiday that occurs 9 days after Yom Kippur. On Sukkot we celebrate the harvest and commemorate the 40 years the Israelites wandered in the desert by building temporary structures called sukkot (singular sukkah), booths that are decorated with fruits, gourds, leaves, and well, pretty much anything that at least resembles nature.

There are a few rules for making a sukkah kosher, one of which is that you must be able to see the stars through the roof. Another rule is that the sukkah must be a TEMPORARY structure. Therefore, poking holes in the roof of your garage does not make a kosher sukkah unless you then completely disassemble the garage after Sukkot. It’s possible to do it, but not recommended.

Sukkot is now over, but the Quest for the Perfect Sukkah continues. We’ve been on this quest for six years.

Note, I didn’t say the biggest sukkah, nor the strongest sukkah, nor even (thankfully) the prettiest sukkah. I said the Perfect Sukkah. The Perfect Sukkah is an elusive concept, a combination of aesthetics, strength, and re-usability at a price that won’t require you to put your mortgage lender on speed dial.

It all started back in Minnesota, six years ago, when we first bought our townhouse. We looked out on our tiny plot of yard and decided that the best way to celebrate our escape from apartment life was to build our own sukkah. So, on the first day of Sukkot we scribbled out a simple design that made most shantytowns look like the Trump Towers, and drove to Home Depot. “We’ll need wood,” we decided. “Probably some 2x4s. Oh, and nails. And big cement blocks to hold up the corner posts.” Loaded down with about $50 worth of merchandise, we drove home and set upon hammering boards together.

Lesson # 1: Hammering 2x4s together is a BAD idea unless you have a saw horse, several clamps, and a sound-dampening room.

“KA-PAH! KA-PAH! KA-PAH!”

The ‘call of the inept’ echoed around our cul-de-sac. I pounded on the nails, hoping they would hold the 2x4s together. They didn’t.

“KA-PAH! KA-PAH! KA-PAH!”

About this time, many of our new neighbors came out of their houses, attracted by the ruckus.“What’cha doin’?” one of them asked us? So, as I pounded unsuccessfully on the wood, Shirah explained the holiday of Sukkot complete with its rich history and beautiful traditions.

“KA-PAH! KA-PAH! KA-PAH!”

“Hmm...,” she said. “Have you tried drilling holes and using screws instead of nails?”

Shirah and I looked at each other. Screws? What a novel idea. So, one more trip to Home Depot later, we set about the project again, drilling holes, screwing boards together, getting splinters, and loudly taking the Lord’s name in vain. Finally, we propped up our minimalist sukkah, set the poles in the large cement blocks, and covered the entire thing with chicken wire. It swayed uneasily. As we looked at it proudly, one of our neighbors tentatively asked the question we would hear every year, “So, this is a temporary thing, right?”

Fast forward two years to 2003 (5764). After moving to Indiana, we now had a single-family dwelling with our own yard. “Let’s put up a sukkah,” we decided. However, this time, we had learned the lessons from our last attempt.

Lesson #2: Don’t use cement blocks or chicken wire for a sukkah. Ever.
Lesson #3: Spend more than 30 seconds planning out your design.

This time we were prepared. We planned our sukkah carefully, we calculated the amount of lumber we needed, and we studiously avoided buying any more cement blocks or chicken wire, knowing that they would only sit in our yard for years to come serving no other purpose than to make mowing the lawn a painful experience.

Shirah went to Home Depot, Lowe's, and Menards to compare prices on lumber. While searching for the necessary hardware, she ended up explaining the sukkah to each salesman. If you’ve never tried to explain a sukkah to a goyische hardware store clerk, we highly recommend you try it at least once in your lifetime. They all looked at her blankly. “You want to do what?” She showed them each the drawing and explained that YES she did want the whole thing made out of wood, and YES it was a temporary structure, and NO she didn’t want to glue it together with Elmer’s wood glue.

$100 worth of lumber and hardware later, we started to set up the sukkah. We used 4x4s for the corner posts, 2x4s for the cross beams, and wooden lattice for the roof. We bolted everything together with big nuts and bolts which had the advantage of easy construction but the disadvantage of slight instability.

I have decided that one of the requirements for making a sukkah kosher is that blood must be drawn at some point. Either that, or you must smash your thumb with the hammer at least twice. While I nursed my hand, Shirah explained the rich history of Sukkot to our neighbors. “So, it’s a temporary thing, right?” they asked.

The sukkah held for the full week of Sukkot.

Fast forward one year to 2004 (5765). All the lumber from the previous year’s sukkah had been neatly stored in the corner of our garage. We got it out and started to put up the sukkah in our front yard. My mother-in-law was visiting, so we pulled her into the project.

Lesson #4: In Indiana, 2x4s that are not stored in hermetically sealed containers will warp.

My mother-in-law, my wife, and I stared at the twisted wood thoughtfully, then decided to try putting the sukkah together anyway. Some boards bolted together nicely. Some...didn’t. When we finished, we had a couple of 2x4s sticking out at odd angles while the rest of the sukkah looked like something from a Dr. Suess book.

Would you eat it in a sukkah?
Would you smoke it in a hookah?

After our fit of giggles subsided, we were off to Home Depot to buy $50 to $75 of replacement lumber. Again, the sukkah held. Just barely, but it held.

Fast forward one more year to 2005 (5766). After replacing the newly warped wood from the previous year’s sukkah, we decided to revisit the whole design. We sketched and resketched and argued and debated until we finally came up with a new design that used corner brackets instead of nuts and bolts to hold the crossbeams together. This had the advantage of not tearing into the wood like bolts did. It had the added advantage of extra stability. It had the slight disadvantage of permanence.

Lesson #5: Before screwing metal plates onto wood, soap or wax the screws so they don’t get stuck in the wood forever.

When I tried to disassemble the sukkah after Sukkot, I discovered that the wood had swollen around many of the screws in the corner brackets, so that they now refused to come back out. After confirming that the children were safely out of earshot, I mumbled a string of obscenities and finally ended up stuffing a lot of 2x4s in the corner of the garage with the twisted wreckage of the corner brackets still tightly adhered.

Fast forward to this year (5767). I had had enough with warped wood, corner brackets, and heavy 4x4s. It was time for a complete paradigm shift. I decided to make the sukkah frame out of metal.

“How about we just buy a sukkah kit?” my wife pleaded.
“No,” I said. “We can do this. It will work. Trust me.”

She managed a faint smile and started repeating our marriage vows to herself like a mantra.

A month before Sukkot, I started my research. Galvanized steel pipe seemed the way to go. One Website recommended that I go to an awning supply store to buy all the connecting hardware. This seemed like a great idea until I tried to find an awning supply store that would sell me awning connectors. Such a store didn’t seem to exist in Indianapolis.

It was back to Home Depot. I flagged down a store clerk and showed him my new drawing. Skipping past the discussion of Sukkot’s rich history, I cut to the chase. “OK, I want to build a cube out of galvanized steel pipe. It should be 10 feet by 10 feet. It will be temporary, but it has to stand up for a week. What connectors should I use?” My goyische sales clerk thought about it. “I don’t think anything like that exists,” he stated.

Lesson #6: If the first hardware store clerk doesn’t give you the answer you want, find one who will. Hardware fittings are infinite. Sales clerk experience is finite. Sales clerk creativity is infinitesimal.

I must have gone back and forth to Lowe’s and Home Depot a half a dozen times to find all my materials. In the end, we used 1 3/8” fencing post with a variety of fencing post connectors. We borrowed a friend’s reciprocating saw to cut the metal posts down to size, and used construction-grade epoxy to fasten fencing caps to the ends of the cross beams. The front and back walls of the sukkah were squares made by fitting 4 fencing posts into elbow joints. The walls of the sukkah were made by attaching fencing posts from the front square to the back square by way of special fencing hardware that was presumably not originally intended for sukkah-use. If you are interested, I will send you our final design. I think I scribbled it on a napkin somewhere.

On the first day of Sukkot, we set about putting together all the pieces. Coincidently, my in-laws had come to visit that very same day.

“They’re not here to help with the sukkah,” my wife warned. “They’re just visiting.”
I laughed. They made the mistake of visiting on the day we’re building a sukkah. Of course they’ll help with the sukkah.

Lesson #7: Brilliant designs will be thwarted by sub-par materials.
Lesson #8: When using construction-grade epoxy, use a lot. I mean a whole lot. Otherwise, the caps pull off of the crossbeams and the sukkah falls down on you.

Naturally, the sukkah did not quite come off as planned. The front and back walls did not hold together firmly causing the whole sukkah to sway unpleasantly. Then, of course, the “epoxied” caps twisted off, causing the whole structure to collapse. My mother-in-law offered a suggestion that I had honestly never considered in my month of sukkah research.

“How about using duct tape to hold it together?” she said.

The sun was setting, so I acquiesced and taped the side beams into place. The sukkah frame tilted threateningly. “How about using duct tape on the corners?” my sister-in-law offered. We tried it, and magically the sukkah frame held up beautifully. After $250 worth of hardware, my sukkah was being held together by duct tape.

“Son of a bitch,” I said. “It worked.”

“Look, dear,” my wife said gleefully, “We have our own redneck sukkah.”

The next day the sukkah collapsed. “I give up,” I said, looking outside at the wreckage. “That’s it. No more. I can’t put any more time into that thing.”

“I’m not ready to give up on it,” my wife said mysteriously. “I hate to see you left a broken man.”

I spent the rest of that day preparing dinner for 75 sisterhood women (see Beth-El Zedeck Sisterhood Opening Meeting). When I came home that evening, I discovered that unbeknownst to me, Shirah had spent the day salvaging our sukkah. She lashed the wooden lattice panels to the corners with rope and pulled it taut. She then decorated the lattice panels with Fall-themed banners. So, while I was working in the kitchen, Shirah was restoring the sukkah, my good name, and my manhood. I love my wife.

We ate dinner in the sukkah the next day. As you can see in the picture, Shirah created the Perfect Sukkah.

P.S. On Wednesday, the sukkah collapsed. The quest continues.

Israeli Fruit Salad

2006-10-12T10:04:00.000-07:00

I created this simple recipe for the sisterhood opening meeting. It celebrates the fruits of Israel.

1 pomegranate
2 oranges
2 green apples
4 tsp. lemon juice
4 tsp. honey
1/2 tsp. cinnamon

Mix lemon juice, honey, and cinnamon. Remove seeds from pomegranates. Peel oranges, separate sections, and cut into ¾ inch pieces. Core apple and chop into ¾ inch pieces. Immediately mix apples with the lemon-honey dressing (to prevent browning), and then mix apples the rest of the fruit. (Serves 4-6 people)

Beth-El Zedeck Sisterhood Opening Meeting

2006-10-12T10:02:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, the Sisterhood of Congregation Beth-El Zedeck held its annual opening meeting. As their semi-official milchik chef of exotic dishes, I was asked to plan out the menu and lead the catering for the dinner. With my army of Sisterhood and non-Sisterhood volunteers, we prepared a wonderful feast for the assembled throng: an Israeli dinner of falafel, hummus, pita, fruit salad, cucumber-tomato salad, borekas, and an orange/date/almond cake. Everything except for the pita bread was made from scratch. I wanted to bake pita bread, but my wife suggested that this would be a time-prohibitive process. In other words, “Are you meshugge?”

Shirah actually pulled me onto this project. I have catered for other Sisterhood events, but never the opening meeting. Shirah recently joined the Sisterhood board (to her tremendous surprise), and is part of the planning committee. So now whenever she comes home from a Sisterhood meeting, my first question is not, “how was the meeting?” but rather, “what did you volunteer me for now?”

Of course, I have to maintain a modest veneer of exasperation, just so no one takes me for granted. Truth be told, I love doing this. I get to plan out a menu, shop for food, cook in a giant kitchen, tell other people what to do, watch the kitchen staff do the dishes, and then pretend to look modest while all the Sisterhood women heap praises upon me.

One of the ladies saw me preparing the meal and teased, “You’re just doing this to be surrounded by ladies, aren’t you?”

Shirah offered this correction later. “No, you don’t do this to be surrounded by ladies. You do this to be surrounded by ladies singing your praises.”

Damn. She found me out.

But is it good for the Jews?

2006-10-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

Will Texas repeat Minnesota's Jesse Ventura upset? Singer/ songwriter/ novelist/ entrepreneur/ public Jew Kinky Friedman is running for governor of Texas and leading the Democratic candidate Chris Bell in the polls.
http://origin.dfw.com/mld/dfw/news/15727809.htm?source=rss&channel=dfw_news

Bell asked Kinky to pull out of the race so they could work together together to defeat Republican governor Rick Perry. “I’m ahead of him” in the polls, Friedman said. “Why would I be the one surrendering?”

I so wish I could vote for the man, my Indiana residence not withstanding. His Website is wonderful, and he's got some great commercials. And of course, he's still Kinky Friedman. http://www.kinkyfriedman.com/index.html

Maybe we could play off of the "My Man Mitch" slogan that Mitch Daniels used in the Indiana gubernatorial race. I want a bumper sticker that says, "My man is Kinky."

L'Shanah Tovah!

2006-10-11T14:52:00.000-07:00

L'Shanah Tovah! May the year 5767 bring you health and happiness.

This blog is an experiment, as most blogs are. This blog will either sharpen my writing skills, capture my thoughts, and articulate my opinions...or it will simply become a good way to waste time. Or possibly, it will go idle for lack of use, gathering dust in the nether regions of the blogosphere.

Of course, nothing ever dies on the Internet. Professor Eppendorf is a good example. (http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/91q3/labnovel.html) I wrote this bit of witticism over 10 years ago and got it published on rec.humor.funny (kids, ask your parents about the good ole days of listservs). Now, it's all over the Internet. It will never die. It will forever be associated with my name through Google searches.

I suppose there are worse ways to achieve immortality.