L'Shanah Tovah

L'Shanah Tovah, y'all. May you all find health, happiness, and prosperity in the new year...in that order.

"Accidentally"?

Yesterday, my wife sent me the following email regarding Micah, our 5-year old:

Words I never expected to hear while being presented with a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich: "Mama, can I throw this away? I accidentally washed it."

Cue spit take. I'm at a loss for words.

New Toy

I recently fell into some birthday money (my birthday is August 13...mark it on your calendars folks), so I decided to actually buy something for ME. Rarely do I get to do that these days other than lunches out and the occasional kitchen gadget. I finally broke down and bought an MP3 player. I feel like I've finally joined the 1990s.

I followed PCMag.com's recommendations and bought a Sansa Express. It's a tiny little thing with 1GB of memory, but it's a great MP3 player, and it's at least a third of the cost of the Apple iPod Nano. It basically gives you all the basic functions: music, FM radio, voice recording, and FM recording. Furthermore, the USB port is directly attached to it, so you can plug it directly into your computer to charge it up and upload/download songs.

What's amazing/amusing is I remember my first portable Sony CD player that I bought $10 years ago for $100. This cost half that. Of course portable CD players now cost one-quarter that.

So, if you need me, I'll be plugged in to my new toy...probably listening to Kevin Mohl and the Burning Sensation.

National Junior Tennis League

I can't say enough about the National Junior Tennis League, a program founded in 1969, "as a way to gain and hold the attention of young people in the inner cities and other poor environments so that we can teach them about matters more important than tennis….Through tennis, lives can be changed and spirits reclaimed." Not being a tennis player...or previously having much interest in tennis...I had never heard of the program before. I strongly encourage other parents to check out the program, even if your kids have no tennis ability whatsoever.

We signed Omri up this summer for tennis lessons at the National Junior Tennis League of Indianapolis. I was looking for summer programs for Omri, and a friend of mine turned me onto the NJTL program. Luckily for me, she told me about the program about two days before the application deadline.

Omri is a complete tennis beginner. His only previous experience with tennis was running around on a public tennis court and trying to hit a tennis ball a couple of years ago with a racket I bought from Goodwill for about $2. However, Omri really enjoyed the program, and he did pretty well...for a beginning player. More importantly, it got him out of the house for about 2-4 hours per week interacting in the sunshine with other kids his age.

Even better...the program is very cheap. Depending on the location you choose, the cost is $25-$45 for an 8-week program.

So, depending on whether or not I can convince Omri to go to summer camp next year, we will most likely sign him up again. He loved playing tennis, we loved that he got some fresh air, and my wallet loved holding onto just a little more green stuff.

Munna Bhai

I'm back. Three months is a long time to let a blog go fallow. Sorry about that...

I must recommend two Bollywood movies I recently viewed: "Munna Bhai" and "Lage Raho Munna Bhai". Sanjay Dutt stars in both movies, and although I must admit that I haven't been a particularly huge Sanjay Dutt fan, I like him a lot more after these movies. Dutt, from what I've seen, usually plays the kindly oaf who either gets the girl at the end (because he's just too nice) or gives up the girl in the end (because he knows she loves someone else...and he's just too nice) and looks absolutely morose throughout the entire process. His character in the Munna Bhai movies, however, is that of a small time hood who has to convince his family and friends that he is either a doctor (1st movie) or a history professor specializing in Ghandi (2nd movie). Wacky hijinks ensue. Netflix can give a better plot synopsis for you.

Gracy Singh stars as his love interest in the first. You may remember her as the extremely cute love interest in "Lagaan", which is an absolute must-see for anyone looking for a good introduction to Bollywood films. Lagaan has a wonderful sound track, an exciting storyline, and is possibly the only film in the history of cinema to make the sport Cricket actually interesting.

But I digress...Vidya Balan is the love interest in the second film. Like most Bollywood actresses, she is impossibly beautiful...but she is also very entertaining. And like the main character in the film, I was becoming entranced by her shouting, "Good Morning, Mumbai!" But enough of that.

Arshad Warsi, who plays "Circuit", Munnabhai's sidekick, is very funny. As far as I can tell, he seems to be making a career of second tier character actors. If anyone knows of any movies that showcase him better, please let me know.

I just read that Lage Raho Munna Bhai" did very well at the 2007 Cannes Film Festival, and has been praised in India for promoting "Ghandiism". Cool.

But of course one mustn't forget the requisite song and dance numbers, of which there are plenty. And there pretty good. The songs from both movies are very catchy, and it was a long time before I stopped humming "Munna Bhai MBBS."

Oh, terrific. Now I'm humming it again. Damn.

Blue-Yellow Swirled Cornbread

I finally have a new job (details to come in a later post), so I felt like celebrating tonight. However, Omri and Shirah were too tired to go out to eat, and we were out of any alcoholic beverage. Not much of a celebration. So, I had to settle with making a nice comfort food dinner of corn bread, black-eyed peas, and fried okra. I even got creative with the corn bread and used both yellow and blue cornmeal. I made up two separate batches and swirled them together. I recommend you try it. It's not much more work than a single batch, and it makes a unique and visually arresting cornbread. And the world definitely needs more visually arresting...cornbread.

Note: I'm not including the recipe since the cannister of cornmeal has a cornbread recipe on the side. However, I add 2 Tbs of ground flax seed to boost the omega-3 fatty acids.

Yes, folks, there you have it. Visually arresting cornbread with omega-3 fatty acids. I think we're no longer talking "comfort food".

Root and Tuber Kugel

Last weekend I catered a lunch for the Sisterhood Shabbat at our synagogue. We had a nice bagel lunch with cheese platter, hummus, cream cheese, green salad, kugels, and dessert. No one seemed to notice that we didn't have lox with the bagels and cream cheese. That, of course, was no accident. It was all part of my diabolical "vegetarian agenda" to convert the masses. Just you wait, I'll make vegetarians out of them yet.

I received rave reviews for a kugel recipe I invented. I call it the Root and Tuber Kugel because it has both roots (carrots and sweet potatoes) and tubers (white potatoes). Besides, it just so darn fun to say "Root 'n Tuber Kugel."

Ingredients:
3 large Idaho potatoes
1 large sweet potato
3 large carrots
1 medium onion, diced
4 large eggs, lightly beaten
2 Tbs. vegetable oil
1 tsp. salt
fresh ground pepper
1/4 cup potato starch
3/4 cup boiling water

Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.
Grate potatoes and carrots using the fine (smallest holes) disc in the food processor.
Squeeze out liquid and place in a large mixing bowl.
Stir in eggs, 5 tbsp. oil, salt, pepper and onions.
Sprinkle starch on top.
Pour boiling water over starch and stir thoroughly.
Coat a 9x13 baking pan with cooking spray and carefully pour mixture into pan.
Bake for 20 minutes. After 20 minutes, reduce heat to 400 degrees and bake for 40 minutes or until the top is a deep golden brown.

Happy Birthday, Omri!

Happy Birthday, Omri! Mazel Tov on turning nine! I’m not sure I’m ready to be a parent of a nine-year old. I mean, I remember being nine like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t remember yesterday too well these days.

I turned nine way back in 1977. That was before Runescape. That was before the Internet. That was before digital cameras, cell phones, CDs, and DVDs. Nobody (except for my mother) worried about second-hand smoke, trans fats, nitrites in hot dogs, and undercooked meat. It’s amazing that any of us survived at all. Most of us didn’t. Those of us who did are still alive but very grumpy.

There were only three major T.V. networks. I watched Welcome Back Kotter (and did bad impressions of Horschack), Barney Miller, MASH, Rhoda, Phyllis, Maude, Quincy, Holmes & Yoyo, Alice (and did bad impressions of Flo), Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Charlie’s Angels, Good Times (and did really bad impressions of J.J.), the Jeffersons, Little House on the Prairie, The Six Million Dollar Man (and ran in slow motion), and the Bionic Woman. And that was only the primetime shows.

On Saturday mornings, Schoolhouse Rock taught all about math, English, and U.S. History. The Superfriends, Fat Albert, and Scooby Doo taught us about life.

Even amidst all that T.V., I read books. My favorite was Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, the Judy Blume book about a 9-year old who has a bratty 2-year old brother. It was a hit with ALL older brothers.

I didn’t listen to the radio much, but I do remember hearing We Are the Champions (Queen), Slip Slidin’ Away (Paul Simon), and Short People (Randy Newman). I didn’t particularly like the song Short People, considering that I was about 5 inches shorter than you are now. My friends liked the song, though, and sang it to me all the time.

Two other wonderful songs, Margaritaville (Jimmy Buffett) and Hotel California (Eagles), came out that year, but I didn’t know about them till many years later.

I started Hebrew School that year. Mrs. Zar (o.b.m.) was my teacher. I learned the Alef Bet, Hebrew vocabulary, and how to pronounce Sefardic Hebrew with a thick Polish accent. We loved her dearly and miss her terribly.

Mr. Christine was my 4th grade teacher. He was young (I realize now), energetic, idealistic, and loved to do science demonstrations in class. Naturally I liked him a lot.

Yes, Omri, that was my 9th year. It was a simpler time back then, or at least it seems so in my memories. I'm sure it didn't seem particularly simple at the time.

I can’t wait to see what you write to your son 29 years from now on his 9th birthday. Please email me a copy. Better yet, send it directly to my bio-psionic implant. I’ll turn off the spam filter.

The American War Against Science

I really wish I could blame the Bush Administration for this country's war against science. I would like to believe that the president is solely responsible for sending our country back to the Dark Ages. Unfortunately, the cynic in me knows that our country is an enabler for any leader willing to show mule-headed belligerence toward reason, thought, and the scientific process.

How else can you explain that none of the major news sources have picked up on the story mentioned in yesterday's Doonesbury?

According to Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility, "Grand Canyon National Park is not permitted to give an official estimate of the geologic age of its principal feature, due to pressure from Bush administration appointees." According to PEER Executive Director Jeff Ruch, "In order to avoid offending religious fundamentalists, our National Park Service is under orders to suspend its belief in geology. It is disconcerting that the official position of a national park as to the geologic age of the Grand Canyon is ‘no comment.’”

Please tell me this is an Onion hoax. Please let me wake up tomorrow to a world actively trying to enter the 21st Century instead to the 18th Century.

If you need me, I'll be hiding under the bed with my copy of Darwin's "The Origin of the Species".

Spanikopita Pie

Pies are tricky things. My mother-in-law makes some of the best pies I've ever tasted, and I make a point of watching her every time she makes pie crust. I've learned some of her tricks, such as use ice cold water (yes, the recipe in your cook book was serious about that), cut in the fat with a pastry cutter, and handle the dough as little as possible. Once you've mastered the art of a good pie crust, the sky is the limit.

I came up with a new recipe the other day for spanikopita pie. It's a very simple concept: spanikopita...in a pie shell. The great thing about the recipe is that both my kids will eat it, and one of them will even eat it eagerly. I think this is a first for any spinach dish I've made for them.

Needless to say, I'll have to make it again soon.

8 " pie crust:
1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 cup shortening
4 Tbs. ice water

1 10oz. package of frozen spinach
1/2 lb. feta cheese
4 eggs
1 Tbs. lemon juice
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1 clove garlic, minced
1/2 tsp. dill

Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.

Prepare the pie crust by mixing the salt and flour together and cutting in the shortening. Sprinkle with ice water and toss with a fork. Gather dough into a ball, wrap in waxed paper, and refrigerate at least a half hour. Roll ball of dough into flat circle and place in pie plate.

Thaw spinach and squeeze out water. Add other filling ingredients and mix together. Pour into pie shell.

Bake at 450 degrees for 5-10 minutes to set crust, then reduce heat to 350 degrees F and bake for 30-40 minutes until set.

Egg Nog Kugel

I believe the eighth night of Chanukah should be called the "fire hazard" night. We had seven chanukiot set up, which means that we had 63 candles burning (see picture to the left). Luckily most of the wrapped presents had already been unwrapped, so the chances of an errant candle setting off a horrific holiday blaze were somewhat reduced.

But what's a holiday without a sense of danger.
Switching topics...after my previous rant...uh, I mean homily...one might mistakenly think that I oppose ALL blending of cultures. Not true, not true, not true. And on Chanukah next year, I can think of no better way to celebrate the season than by making the traditional Chanukah noodle kugel with a slight Christmas twist.

Egg Nog Kugel

8 oz. wide egg noodles
4 oz. butter or margarine
6 eggs
1/2 cup sour cream
1 cup cottage cheese
1 cup egg nog
¼ cup sugar
½ cup raisins

Topping:
1 cup chopped pecans
½ cup brown sugar
2 Tbs. butter, melted

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Cook noodles in boiling salted water until tender. Drain and add butter. Set aside. Beat together eggs, sour cream, cottage cheese, egg nog, and sugar. Add raisins. Add mixture to noodles. Pour into greased 8 x 12-inch baking dish. Mix together topping ingredients. Sprinkle over kugel. Bake for one hour. Serves 10-12.

Chrismukkah? Feh! Humbug!

As amusing as I find the concept of “Chrismukkah”, I find it somewhat dangerous as well. It’s not the blending of two completely antithetical holidays that bothers me so much (Chanukah celebrates the victory of the Jews over religious persecution and assimilation, Christmas celebrates the perceived fulfillment of Judaism by the arrival of the prophesied Christian messiah). It's just that I fear that too few people will see the inherent irony of Chrismukkah and assume that haphazard blending of cultures can actually replace cultural sensitivity and representation. For too long, many have tried to justify government-sponsored religion under the argument that Christmas is a secular holiday (despite all the people who actually do celebrate the birth of Christ) and should in fact be equated with secular holidays such as Independence Day or Super Sunday (although many celebrate this holiday religiously).

Chanukah is, of course, one of the more minor holidays, so might I propose a list of other holidays with temporal proximity that can be blended:

Rosh Hashamadan (Rosh Hashanah and Ramadan): We celebrate the Jewish New Year, the Torah, and the revelation of the Quran all at once. For 40 days, from sun up to sundown, we blow the shofar and eat apples and honey.

Eastover (Pesach and Easter): We commemorate the Pesach seders. On the first night, we commemorate the very first seder that led to the giving of the Torah (the cornerstone of Judaism). On the second night, we commemorate the death, rebirth, and ascension of Jesus (the cornerstone of Christianity). After that, we search for soggy matzah on the front lawn and eat pesadic chocolate bunnies.

Purdi Gras (Purim and Marti Gras): We celebrate Esther’s bravery in ancient Persia on the last day before Lent. We dress in costume, drink heavily, and party like there’s no tomorrow. OK, so maybe this one actually works.

My point is simply that while the blending of traditions can be a good thing, the blending should not replace the original holiday, religion, or traditions. Celebrate Chanukah, or don’t. Celebrate Christmas, or don’t. Celebrate both if you like. But please don't believe that you can maintain a foot in your own heritage by replacing it with a blended version of another one.

Just some thoughts for 2007.

Happy Chanukah!

Happy 5th Day of Chanukah! I wish all of you a wonderful holiday filled with peace and light...and fried foods. Enyoy the latkes! Enjoy the sufganiyot! Enjoy the fichuelas!

Just be prepared to work it all off in January. You have until Purim.

Chag Sameach!

Bubbles of Incompetence

I have long held the belief that incompetence is not merely the lack of competence, but in fact a noncorporeal entity that exists in two forms: static and transient. Static incompetence takes up permanent residence in a single person, like our current president, or a single institution, like FEMA. Transient incompetence, on the other hand, exists in discrete bubbles that shift from one location to the next, occasionally encompassing an entire establishment. How else can one explain why a favorite restaurant suddenly can’t make change, drops all their dishes, and screws up your order…repeatedly?

Actually, this time it wasn’t my favorite restaurant…it was my mother’s. A couple of week’s ago, my mother and I went out to dinner at Nick’s Patio, her favorite restaurant in South Bend, Indiana. Nick’s serves American home-style food in very large, very tasty portions, but the restaurant has become her favorite because it is one of the few places in South Bend that can accommodate her low-salt, low-fat, low-spiciness diet. Recently, the owner of Nick’s had to put himself on a low-salt diet, and he has repeatedly assured my mother that she can get a good low-sodium meal there.

But every now and then, there is a bubble.

She ordered the vegetable stir fry and told the waitress that it needs to be low salt. “No soy sauce,” she said.

“No problem,” said the waitress.

When the plate came, my mother tried to ask the waitress about the noticeable brown sauce on the stir fry. “This is no soy sauce, right?”

“Yes,” she said. “I told the kitchen, no soy sauce.”

So my mother started eating.

“Taste this,” she asked me. “Is there soy sauce in it?”

I tasted the stir fry. It actually had flavor, which is usually indicative of the presence of salt in some form. But who was I to argue with her favorite establishment?

“Um…” I said, “I’m not sure. Maybe they used a broth instead.”

My mother wasn’t convinced. After eating a third of the meal, she flagged down the waitress and asked her to ask the kitchen about the brown sauce. Eating with my mother is always entertaining.

It took a while for the waitress to get back to us. A long while. In the meantime, I had given my mother a third of my 4-egg omelette (which was low salt) so she wouldn’t starve. Finally, the waitress returned.

“It’s not soy sauce,” she said cheerfully. “It’s teriyaki sauce.”

There was an audible pause.

After my mother explained to her as politely as her New York blood would allow that a) teriyaki sauce was almost ENTIRELY made up of soy sauce and b) teriyaki sauce was extremely high in salt, she asked to speak to the owner. The owner wasn't there, so she spoke to the manager. The manager made sure that she got her meal re-made (although for some bizarre reason, it took two more times before the kitchen could get it right), and she didn’t charge us for my mother’s meal. It was very good customer service for one of Nick’s faithful patrons. If only the manager had left it there.

The manager patiently explained to us that the kitchen staff didn’t know what was in teriyaki sauce. “Furthermore,” she continued, “Most of them don’t even speak English.”

Sometimes honesty is NOT the best policy. Open letter to all restaurants that I patronize in the future: Please don’t ever tell me that a) the people preparing my food have no idea what they are putting into it or, b) nobody can accurately communicate my order to the kitchen staff. If necessary, make something up. Anything. “Oh, we’re sorry about that. The chef’s wife ran away today with the plumber, and he’s been messing up everyone’s order.” I’ll accept that. I’d prefer that.

Didn’t know that teriyaki sauce had soy sauce in it? Honestly. What did they think made it salty? Magic?

We decided to go elsewhere for dessert, and after another comedy of errors (where all of our favorite ice cream establishments were closed), we ended up at McDonalds to get chocolate-dipped cones. There were only about 4 other patrons in the restaurant, but after putting my order in, we had to wait about 7 minutes to get the cones because - and I kid you not - none of the staff knew how to make chocolate-dipped cones.

I felt like jumping across the counter and offering to make them myself. Look, I would say, ice cream…chocolate sauce…dip…twirl…done! But I didn’t. It wasn’t their fault. The bubble had simply encompassed all of South Bend, and there was nothing I could do but wait for the bubble to get bored and move on.

Healthy? You betcha!

I missed a day of work yesterday due to this nasty cold that I'm trying to shake. I can't help but wonder how much healthier I might have been had I remained in Minnesota instead of moving back to Indiana 4 years ago.

Minnesota has been named the healthiest state for the fourth consecutive year by the United Health Foundation. Not too shabby, considering that this is the land that popularized fried cheese curds.

Indiana is 33rd this year. Not so good, considering it dropped from 32nd place last year. New York is 29th this year, having dropped from 26th place last year.

We'll see if Mayor Michael Bloomberg's attempts to save NYC despite itself will do any good next year. In his first term, he banned smoking from bars and restaurants. Today the Board of Health voted to make New York the nation's first city to ban artery-clogging artificial trans fats at restaurants. Sure, all the libertarians are crying foul now, but we'll see who's laughing when the New York raises itself up to be the 25th most healthy state.

In the meantime, I can dream about returning to the Land of 10,000 Lakes where the government looks out for the health of its consituents. I can already taste the cheese curds.

Thanksgiving Wild Rice Pilaf with Tofu

Happy Thanksgiving! Well, Happy 2nd day of Thanksgiving to be exact. We are spending Thanksgiving with my in-laws who have moved their big feast to the day after Thanksgiving to better accommodate everyone's holiday family expectations. Now my sister-in-law can feast with her in-laws in Oblong, Illinois, on Thursday and feast with her parents in Terre Haute on Friday. This creates a defacto 2nd seder for Thanksgiving. My in-laws aren't Jewish, but they have a better understanding of Jewish ritual than do most Jews.

This creates a new tradition for the Thanksgiving meal: lasagna. Although the 2nd seder always has the traditional turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, etc., the 1st seder for the last two years has been vegetarian lasagna and garlic bread. It makes for a great Thanksgiving meal, but it's a little difficult to slice into sandwiches for leftovers.

Many have asked me, “Just what do vegetarians EAT during Thanksgiving?” I suspect many have an image of my family meagerly scraping the last of the mashed potatoes and corn onto our plate while the rest of the extended family, omnivores all of them, greedily gorge themselves on turkey and giblet gravy and toss half of their crescent roll to my hungry children to watch them scuffle over the buttery roll, all the time taking bets on who will end up with the black eye.

Although I have experimented with many vegetarian main dishes in the past on Thanksgiving, nowadays we just create a balanced meal of side dishes rather than a hierarchical meal of main dish and back-up singers. Having said that, some side dishes do get elevated to the status of “signature dish.” The wild rice pilaf with tofu has become a new tradition (three years running). Although it doesn't slice into sandwiches like turkey, it makes a great tortilla wrap for the week after Thanksgiving.

Wild Rice Pilaf with Tofu

Ingredients:
1 lb. (1 block) of extra-firm tofu, Chinese style
3 cups vegetarian broth (I recommend Rapunzel Vegetable Bouillon)
1 cup brown rice
1/2 cup wild rice (make sure it's Minnesota-grown)
1/4-1/2 cup chopped onion
1 Tbs. vegetable oil
1 15 oz. can mandarin oranges, drained, syrup reserved
1 cup chopped pecans
sprig of rosemary

Preheat the oven to 400oF. Drain the tofu and press out the excess water on 2-3 paper towels. Cut the tofu into cubes. Marinate the tofu in 1-2 cups of broth for 30 minutes at room temperature or for several hours in the refrigerator. Remove the tofu from the broth and bake in the oven for 10-12 minutes. Turn each piece of tofu over and bake for another 10 minutes until tofu is firm and light brown, but not burnt.

In a large sauce pot, saute the onions in the oil. Add the brown rice, 1 cup broth, 1/4 cup reserved mandarin orange syrup, and 1/4-1/2 cup water and cook until rice is tender. In a separate pot, cook the wild rice in 1 cup of water.

Mix together the brown rice, wild rice, chopped pecans, and tofu. Serve on a large platter, garnished with mandarin orange slices and a couple of sprigs of rosemary (optional).

Amber Indian, Revisited

Forget what I previously said about the desserts at Amber Indian. I went to the lunch buffet yesterday, and the gulab jamun was perfect. They were warm and flavorful, with a good amount of cardamom. Good desserts on an Indian lunch buffet (at least in Indianapolis) seems like such a rarity that I am always impressed when I find them.

Glutenschnitzel

Seitan, a vegetarian meat analog, is made from wheat gluten cooked in broth, traditionally a soy broth. Gluten is the protein found in whole wheat flour. It can be isolated from whole wheat flour by rinsing and kneading a flour/water mixture until all the starch is removed.

I used to make my own gluten from scratch back when I was in grad school. It was a lot of fun, but it was very time consuming, and it left a starchy mess that coated the entire kitchen. I finally gave it up and started making it the easy way by reconstituting store-bought gluten flour with liquid. I still miss making my own gluten. It's kind of like the difference between hunting wild game in the Boundary Waters and buying pre-packaged chicken wings at the deli counter.

The best book I have found on seitan is Cooking with Gluten and Seitan, by Dorothy R. Bates and Colby Wingate. I have had the best luck cooking seitan in a pressure cooker for 30 minutes instead of simmering it slowly. The pressure cooker gives a soft, slightly chewy seitan, whereas the simmering method always gives me a hard, rubbery seitan which is really not conducive to convincing your friends and relatives to become vegetarian.

Tonight I made glutenschnitzel, my own personal seitan recipe. It's made like vienerschnitzel or chicken schnitzel, but you don't have to pound the mean into flat cutlets. You simply slice the seitan into thin cutlets (about 1/4 inch thick).

I prepare three separate shallow bowls: one with white flour, one with an egg beaten with 1-2 teaspoons of water, and a third with bread crumbs. I coat the seitan cutlet with flour, transfer it to the egg and coat it completely, and then transfer the eggy cutlet to the bread crumbs. Each cutlet is then fried in about 1/4 inch thick of vegetable oil. I flip the cutlet over and fry the other side when the first side browns.

I usually serve Glutenschnitzel with a tomato sauce, such as a commercial spaghetti sauce.

Note: It is important to remember that like most meat analogs, seitan tastes and feels SIMILAR to meat but not EXACTLY LIKE meat. It is its own animal, so to speak. I find it important to appreciate seitan for what it is, rather than what it isn't.

The Quest for the Perfect Sukkah

For those of you new to Jewish holidays, Sukkot is a harvest holiday that occurs 9 days after Yom Kippur. On Sukkot we celebrate the harvest and commemorate the 40 years the Israelites wandered in the desert by building temporary structures called sukkot (singular sukkah), booths that are decorated with fruits, gourds, leaves, and well, pretty much anything that at least resembles nature.

There are a few rules for making a sukkah kosher, one of which is that you must be able to see the stars through the roof. Another rule is that the sukkah must be a TEMPORARY structure. Therefore, poking holes in the roof of your garage does not make a kosher sukkah unless you then completely disassemble the garage after Sukkot. It’s possible to do it, but not recommended.

Sukkot is now over, but the Quest for the Perfect Sukkah continues. We’ve been on this quest for six years.

Note, I didn’t say the biggest sukkah, nor the strongest sukkah, nor even (thankfully) the prettiest sukkah. I said the Perfect Sukkah. The Perfect Sukkah is an elusive concept, a combination of aesthetics, strength, and re-usability at a price that won’t require you to put your mortgage lender on speed dial.

It all started back in Minnesota, six years ago, when we first bought our townhouse. We looked out on our tiny plot of yard and decided that the best way to celebrate our escape from apartment life was to build our own sukkah. So, on the first day of Sukkot we scribbled out a simple design that made most shantytowns look like the Trump Towers, and drove to Home Depot. “We’ll need wood,” we decided. “Probably some 2x4s. Oh, and nails. And big cement blocks to hold up the corner posts.” Loaded down with about $50 worth of merchandise, we drove home and set upon hammering boards together.

Lesson # 1: Hammering 2x4s together is a BAD idea unless you have a saw horse, several clamps, and a sound-dampening room.

“KA-PAH! KA-PAH! KA-PAH!”

The ‘call of the inept’ echoed around our cul-de-sac. I pounded on the nails, hoping they would hold the 2x4s together. They didn’t.

“KA-PAH! KA-PAH! KA-PAH!”

About this time, many of our new neighbors came out of their houses, attracted by the ruckus.“What’cha doin’?” one of them asked us? So, as I pounded unsuccessfully on the wood, Shirah explained the holiday of Sukkot complete with its rich history and beautiful traditions.

“KA-PAH! KA-PAH! KA-PAH!”

“Hmm...,” she said. “Have you tried drilling holes and using screws instead of nails?”

Shirah and I looked at each other. Screws? What a novel idea. So, one more trip to Home Depot later, we set about the project again, drilling holes, screwing boards together, getting splinters, and loudly taking the Lord’s name in vain. Finally, we propped up our minimalist sukkah, set the poles in the large cement blocks, and covered the entire thing with chicken wire. It swayed uneasily. As we looked at it proudly, one of our neighbors tentatively asked the question we would hear every year, “So, this is a temporary thing, right?”

Fast forward two years to 2003 (5764). After moving to Indiana, we now had a single-family dwelling with our own yard. “Let’s put up a sukkah,” we decided. However, this time, we had learned the lessons from our last attempt.

Lesson #2: Don’t use cement blocks or chicken wire for a sukkah. Ever.
Lesson #3: Spend more than 30 seconds planning out your design.

This time we were prepared. We planned our sukkah carefully, we calculated the amount of lumber we needed, and we studiously avoided buying any more cement blocks or chicken wire, knowing that they would only sit in our yard for years to come serving no other purpose than to make mowing the lawn a painful experience.

Shirah went to Home Depot, Lowe's, and Menards to compare prices on lumber. While searching for the necessary hardware, she ended up explaining the sukkah to each salesman. If you’ve never tried to explain a sukkah to a goyische hardware store clerk, we highly recommend you try it at least once in your lifetime. They all looked at her blankly. “You want to do what?” She showed them each the drawing and explained that YES she did want the whole thing made out of wood, and YES it was a temporary structure, and NO she didn’t want to glue it together with Elmer’s wood glue.

$100 worth of lumber and hardware later, we started to set up the sukkah. We used 4x4s for the corner posts, 2x4s for the cross beams, and wooden lattice for the roof. We bolted everything together with big nuts and bolts which had the advantage of easy construction but the disadvantage of slight instability.

I have decided that one of the requirements for making a sukkah kosher is that blood must be drawn at some point. Either that, or you must smash your thumb with the hammer at least twice. While I nursed my hand, Shirah explained the rich history of Sukkot to our neighbors. “So, it’s a temporary thing, right?” they asked.

The sukkah held for the full week of Sukkot.

Fast forward one year to 2004 (5765). All the lumber from the previous year’s sukkah had been neatly stored in the corner of our garage. We got it out and started to put up the sukkah in our front yard. My mother-in-law was visiting, so we pulled her into the project.

Lesson #4: In Indiana, 2x4s that are not stored in hermetically sealed containers will warp.

My mother-in-law, my wife, and I stared at the twisted wood thoughtfully, then decided to try putting the sukkah together anyway. Some boards bolted together nicely. Some...didn’t. When we finished, we had a couple of 2x4s sticking out at odd angles while the rest of the sukkah looked like something from a Dr. Suess book.

Would you eat it in a sukkah?
Would you smoke it in a hookah?

After our fit of giggles subsided, we were off to Home Depot to buy $50 to $75 of replacement lumber. Again, the sukkah held. Just barely, but it held.

Fast forward one more year to 2005 (5766). After replacing the newly warped wood from the previous year’s sukkah, we decided to revisit the whole design. We sketched and resketched and argued and debated until we finally came up with a new design that used corner brackets instead of nuts and bolts to hold the crossbeams together. This had the advantage of not tearing into the wood like bolts did. It had the added advantage of extra stability. It had the slight disadvantage of permanence.

Lesson #5: Before screwing metal plates onto wood, soap or wax the screws so they don’t get stuck in the wood forever.

When I tried to disassemble the sukkah after Sukkot, I discovered that the wood had swollen around many of the screws in the corner brackets, so that they now refused to come back out. After confirming that the children were safely out of earshot, I mumbled a string of obscenities and finally ended up stuffing a lot of 2x4s in the corner of the garage with the twisted wreckage of the corner brackets still tightly adhered.

Fast forward to this year (5767). I had had enough with warped wood, corner brackets, and heavy 4x4s. It was time for a complete paradigm shift. I decided to make the sukkah frame out of metal.

“How about we just buy a sukkah kit?” my wife pleaded.
“No,” I said. “We can do this. It will work. Trust me.”

She managed a faint smile and started repeating our marriage vows to herself like a mantra.

A month before Sukkot, I started my research. Galvanized steel pipe seemed the way to go. One Website recommended that I go to an awning supply store to buy all the connecting hardware. This seemed like a great idea until I tried to find an awning supply store that would sell me awning connectors. Such a store didn’t seem to exist in Indianapolis.

It was back to Home Depot. I flagged down a store clerk and showed him my new drawing. Skipping past the discussion of Sukkot’s rich history, I cut to the chase. “OK, I want to build a cube out of galvanized steel pipe. It should be 10 feet by 10 feet. It will be temporary, but it has to stand up for a week. What connectors should I use?” My goyische sales clerk thought about it. “I don’t think anything like that exists,” he stated.

Lesson #6: If the first hardware store clerk doesn’t give you the answer you want, find one who will. Hardware fittings are infinite. Sales clerk experience is finite. Sales clerk creativity is infinitesimal.

I must have gone back and forth to Lowe’s and Home Depot a half a dozen times to find all my materials. In the end, we used 1 3/8” fencing post with a variety of fencing post connectors. We borrowed a friend’s reciprocating saw to cut the metal posts down to size, and used construction-grade epoxy to fasten fencing caps to the ends of the cross beams. The front and back walls of the sukkah were squares made by fitting 4 fencing posts into elbow joints. The walls of the sukkah were made by attaching fencing posts from the front square to the back square by way of special fencing hardware that was presumably not originally intended for sukkah-use. If you are interested, I will send you our final design. I think I scribbled it on a napkin somewhere.

On the first day of Sukkot, we set about putting together all the pieces. Coincidently, my in-laws had come to visit that very same day.

“They’re not here to help with the sukkah,” my wife warned. “They’re just visiting.”
I laughed. They made the mistake of visiting on the day we’re building a sukkah. Of course they’ll help with the sukkah.

Lesson #7: Brilliant designs will be thwarted by sub-par materials.
Lesson #8: When using construction-grade epoxy, use a lot. I mean a whole lot. Otherwise, the caps pull off of the crossbeams and the sukkah falls down on you.

Naturally, the sukkah did not quite come off as planned. The front and back walls did not hold together firmly causing the whole sukkah to sway unpleasantly. Then, of course, the “epoxied” caps twisted off, causing the whole structure to collapse. My mother-in-law offered a suggestion that I had honestly never considered in my month of sukkah research.

“How about using duct tape to hold it together?” she said.

The sun was setting, so I acquiesced and taped the side beams into place. The sukkah frame tilted threateningly. “How about using duct tape on the corners?” my sister-in-law offered. We tried it, and magically the sukkah frame held up beautifully. After $250 worth of hardware, my sukkah was being held together by duct tape.

“Son of a bitch,” I said. “It worked.”

“Look, dear,” my wife said gleefully, “We have our own redneck sukkah.”

The next day the sukkah collapsed. “I give up,” I said, looking outside at the wreckage. “That’s it. No more. I can’t put any more time into that thing.”

“I’m not ready to give up on it,” my wife said mysteriously. “I hate to see you left a broken man.”

I spent the rest of that day preparing dinner for 75 sisterhood women (see Beth-El Zedeck Sisterhood Opening Meeting). When I came home that evening, I discovered that unbeknownst to me, Shirah had spent the day salvaging our sukkah. She lashed the wooden lattice panels to the corners with rope and pulled it taut. She then decorated the lattice panels with Fall-themed banners. So, while I was working in the kitchen, Shirah was restoring the sukkah, my good name, and my manhood. I love my wife.

We ate dinner in the sukkah the next day. As you can see in the picture, Shirah created the Perfect Sukkah.

P.S. On Wednesday, the sukkah collapsed. The quest continues.

Israeli Fruit Salad

I created this simple recipe for the sisterhood opening meeting. It celebrates the fruits of Israel.

1 pomegranate
2 oranges
2 green apples
4 tsp. lemon juice
4 tsp. honey
1/2 tsp. cinnamon

Mix lemon juice, honey, and cinnamon. Remove seeds from pomegranates. Peel oranges, separate sections, and cut into ¾ inch pieces. Core apple and chop into ¾ inch pieces. Immediately mix apples with the lemon-honey dressing (to prevent browning), and then mix apples the rest of the fruit. (Serves 4-6 people)